Are you missing your vital organ? It’s a rising epidemic among men over 50 and another possible side effect of Manopause: the disappearing penis. Instead of the once proud and hopefully prominent obelisk, a shy and retracting vestigial limb begins to take its place.
Like a marsupial pouch hiding it’s treasure from the outside world, or a turtle retreating into it’s shell, some men’s winkies are, if not vanishing, certainly recoiling.
Why is this happening? Is it inevitable, permanent, reversible? Well, there are several causes and fortunately most are treatable.
Overgrown, Neglected Pubic Hairs
While men can lose hair on their heads with sad inevitability, the pubes will grow like weeds if not attended to, not only trapping a penis that must struggle for air, but also providing a catchment area for unwanted stuff like Oreo crumbs, dead skin, and little critters. Oh, the humanity! What partner will want to risk the treacherous journey to find your prize? Not many, and those that do, really?
What’s the answer? MANSCAPE! Some men scoff at the idea of thinning the forest: it’s not manly, they insist. Well, my furry brothers, just ask most women what they think. The ones who tell you that the unkempt shrubs are ok are lying to not hurt your feelings!
There are many men’s grooming products that let you trim, coiffe, rehabiltate, and beautify the bramble patch that your pubic hairs have become. I like Manscaped, a company that focuses on men’s grooming needs with safe, high tech, and cool products.
Whether you go commando and shave it clean, shorten and part the hair, curl or straighten it, or design fun topiaries, the point is to free your pud and let it re-emerge so it can get the attention it deserves!
Adipose – That Means Fat
Yup, it can happen to the best of us. It’s a fact that after 40 we are destined to gain at least 1 pound a year unless we step it up: more cardio, less consuming. Men are called “apples” because we usually store fat in the midsection, unlike most women who are “pears,” and store it in the butt and thighs. As apples, we have a lot of fat inside our bellies (think beer belly) as well as, you guessed it, the mons pubis, that area that hosts your hedge row. So while your view of your junk disappears behind the horizon of your belly, the pubis fattens up and swallows up your member, like an octopus smothering its prey.
Difficult as it may be, you have to control your weight, or lose it if you’re a chubbster. Walk, run, lift weights, swim, play tennis—rev up the metabolic engine and pay attention to what you eat. Check out our fitness expert Skip Lacour’s article on the 10 top diet secrets for men over 50! And Skip, a 6-time drug-free Body-building champion, has developed a great starter workout video for the Manopause man!
Another way to get rid of Mt. Nasty is to try liposuction. This is a safe and effective way top remove stubborn fat in those difficult areas like the pubis, and even the belly. The downtime after surgery is short, hopefully unlike your dagger, and you’ll be celebrating its return in no time!
Disuse Atrophy – Use It Or Lose It
“Use it or lose it” may not be entirely true, but who wants to find out?! Now, your phallus isn’t a bone as boner might imply, nor is it a muscle. It’s basically a reservoir that fills with blood, balloons and tightens stiff membranes inside the penis. Things like diabetes, neurological disorders, and manopausal hormonal changes can mess with the blood flow, creating Erectile Dysfunction, or a limp dick. Obviously you need to go for regular medical exams, but if all is otherwise ok, there are medications like Cialis and Rugiet that help blood flow and get you living hard again. Once that’s sorted, make sure you use it as often as you can. And, by the way, when necessary, think of masturbation as keeping your little buddy in shape!
Oh, and finally, if you’re just small, check out Austin Powers’ Swedish Penis enlarging vacuum tube. I’m told it might work. That’s what a friend said.