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Attention Shoppers: Prior To Driving Away, Please Remove Your Grocery Bag From The Roof Of Your Car

Attention Shoppers: Don’t Be Like Me!

attention shoppers

No, I didn’t make it all the way home with my grocery bag on top of my car, but I darn well gave it my best! I am many things, but I AM NOT A QUITTER! When I got home, I put the bag back on top to memorialize my stupidity for posterity, and, of course, for you, my loyal readers.

It’s not every day that you are driving along, and people begin pointing and shouting at you. That said, I do live in Oregon, and if you’ve been watching footage of the riots, for a brief moment, I thought they might be singling me out because I can’t afford to pay for everyone’s college tuition. Call me old fashioned, but the decision to get a degree in Philosophy of Interpretive Dance is on you (and your parents). 

Now back to everyone yelling at me!

A Good Samaritan Saves The Day

Another driver finally rolled down her window and yelled to me that I had left a bag on the roof of my car. Thankfully, I retrieved it, and what little was left of my dignity, before I had powered up to highway speeds.

I am blaming either President Trump or China for this. Whoever is ultimately found responsible for the COVID-19 chaos here in the U.S. As a result of [insert Trump or China], after I go shopping, and before I get into my car, I reach in for the hand sanitizer and clean my hands before I climb in.

Yes, I know this is a little neurotic for someone who routinely extends the five second rule for food that falls on the ground to a more reasonable ten seconds. However, apparently, if I don’t do this, every grandmother in the Western Continental United States will expire before midnight. And, as someone raised Catholic, I’ve already got enough guilt to deal with.

So, there you have it. Yes, I did drive away with my grocery bag on top of my car, but it was not my fault. It was the fault of [insert – Trump or China], depending on who you feel should pay for your neighbor’s tuition.

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About The Author
Jack Edwards
Jack Edwards
Jack Edwards is my pen name. I post my humor columns on my website: I describe myself as, “Just like Dave Barry, but sadly, not as funny.” Please consider subscribing. It’s fun, free and family friendly.
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