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I Was Going To Buy A Pizza Oven, But I Didn’t Want to Pay One Million Dollars A Slice

I love pizza as much as the next pre-diabetic guy, but this whole “pizza oven craze” is bonkers. A big, stand-alone oven exclusively to make pizza?  

Let’s Think This Pizza Oven Through:

#1. How many times are you really ever going to use it? I mean, as an actual pizza oven, not a boat anchor.

#2. How many days will it take before you start using it to store yard equipment, like your garden hose? Prepare yourself. The temptation will be tremendous. Have you seen these things? They are the perfect shape to hold a garden hose. (I say this as someone who shamefully has a pool table, I mean a storage table, taking up 25% of my garage.)

#3. News Alert:  Recently (and by “recently,” I mean since 1925), you can now order a pizza delivered DIRECTLY to your home. AND, it will arrive with the precise toppings you PERSONALLY requested. 

I have done the math, and these new-fangled contraptions just don’t pencil out. Don’t believe me? Here’s the formula: 

Cost of the pizza oven (more than you can afford) ÷ the number of pizzas you’ll actually make with it (“one” – and, frankly, not a very good one) = You’re an idiot if you buy a pizza oven. 

And keep this very poignant question in mind (be honest with yourself when you answer it):  What are the chances that you might never climb off your big fat patootie and bake a pizza?

The answer is 39%.  (And I’m being generous.)  

Now that I think about it, the next time someone really irks me off, I’m going to go on Amazon and order a pizza oven sent to their home.  At first, sure, they’ll be thrilled.  But revenge is best served cold…  Give it a week. 

My point is this: Don’t do it! Spend your money more wisely.  Here are a few examples of how you can better spend your money:

Option 1: Donate it to charity.  

Option 2: Deposit it in your kid’s college fund.  

Option 3: Flush it down the toilet.  

On the other hand, there is something to be said for having a convenient place to store your garden hose.    

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About The Author
Jack Edwards
Jack Edwards
Jack Edwards is my pen name. I post my humor columns on my website: I describe myself as, “Just like Dave Barry, but sadly, not as funny.” Please consider subscribing. It’s fun, free and family friendly.
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