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Oliver The Cat Officially Changes His Name To “The Gladiator”

When we think of combat sports, we think of MMA fighting and boxing. The image of a cat fighting a roll of paper towels inside a bathtub isn’t often the first thing to come to mind. 

I had never seen or heard of such a thing myself until I was leaning over to start shaving recently. All of a sudden, all hell broke loose behind me. For a moment, I thought I was going to be the victim of a brutal home invasion. Instead, I turned to see Oliver the Cat locked in an epic battle with a roll of paper towels inside our bathtub. I have no idea why a roll of paper towels was in our bathroom, and I am unaware of any previous animosity between Oliver and any of our household paper products.

Nevertheless, they were going at it. Flipping and twisting with Oliver inflicting savage bite after savage bite. Intense “killer” bites! The roll of paper towels was holding its own, but it had the unfortunate disadvantage of lacking teeth, claws, or any gripping appendages. However, that roll could sure bounce back from a bite. Throughout the battle, the roll displayed impressive fortitude in the face of Oliver’s savage onslaught. 


Alas, Oliver the Cat ultimately prevailed over his household commodity nemesis. And in the aftermath, he lay in the glow of his victory next to the body of his grizzled opponent. 

Oliver’s New Bloodsport

I can’t help but be proud of Oliver’s ingenuity. He’s invented an entertaining blood sport MINUS the blood, AND one that is unlikely to draw throngs of PETA activists protesting in the streets wearing cat costumes. 

Before COVID, I’m not sure how much money I’d pay to see a cat fight a roll of paper towels. However, with so many sports still in hiatus, and ESPN relegated to broadcasting reruns of 1980’s professional bowling league quarterfinals, Oliver has a shot at the big time. Don’t be surprised if the next time you tune into Fox Sports or ESPN 1, 2, 3 … ad infinitum, you see Oliver the Cat mixing it up with a roll of Bounty inside what appears to be a suburban bathtub. (Insider tip: Put your money on the cat.)

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About The Author
Jack Edwards
Jack Edwards
Jack Edwards is my pen name. I post my humor columns on my website: I describe myself as, “Just like Dave Barry, but sadly, not as funny.” Please consider subscribing. It’s fun, free and family friendly.
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