This is what turned up when I typed “Penis” into a stock photo site’s search box, so I’m going with it.
Nobody I’ve dated has ever sent me a dick pic.
Probably because they know I’m a humor writer and they suspect that I’ll use it to illustrate a mocking essay about them.
Which is 100% on the money.
I totally would.
I’ve never encountered a flasher either. Nobody has ever jumped out of the bushes, showed me his penis and asked, “Is this big enough?”
Which is what happened last week to a woman who’d been taking a walk near the library where I work. After the flasher ran away, she came into the library to phone the cops to report him.
Now we all refer to him as Mr. Penis.
“Watch out for Mr. Penis!” Deb will call out to me as I begin my walk home after we close at night. “Let us know if it’s big enough!”
If I do run into Mr. Penis, I plan to steal the punchline from a cartoon I once saw in which a flasher shows his dick to a woman who responds, deadpan, with “That looks just like a penis. Only smaller.”
I’m very lucky. I’ve only had one unexpected penis encounter.
Many years ago I was driving a guy that I’d been dating (but hadn’t had sex with yet) to a local restaurant when all of a sudden he pulled out his dick and showed it to me.
While I was fucking driving.
On a busy street.
“Look!” he demanded, about his erection. “This is what you do to me!”
I’m not sure what kind of response he was expecting. Maybe he figured I’d be just as impressed with his penis as he was.
Maybe he thought I’d be amazed and astonished and really turned on.
Maybe what he had in mind was some kind of a porno scene where I’d pull the car right over and insist on having wild passionate roadside sex with him.
What I actually did was start laughing so hard that I almost crashed the car.
Pulling out his dick in the middle of traffic struck me as 100% ludicrous and laughing at it was the only response possible.
It took me several miles to stop laughing, during which the erection wilted and he put it away.
“That was really stupid,” I told him when I finally calmed down. “Never do that again.”
In the wrong context? Everything.
Showing a woman your penis is inherently ridiculous. Especially if she’s behind the wheel. I mean there’s a time and a place for everything and as far as I was concerned we were totally in a No Penis Zone.
I feel sorry for the many unsuspecting women upon whom surprise dick pics have been inflicted. Nobody I know enjoys the experience. And yet, from what I’ve heard, receiving a text of some guy’s junk happens a lot.
I hope it never happens to me.
But if it does?
I’m totally getting a humor piece out of it.