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I Love My Wife, But I’ll Never Understand Her

Ever since the dawn of mankind, men have been perplexed by the inner workings of the female mind. Philosophers have pondered the psychological differences between the sexes for centuries. Studies have been done and books have been written but no matter how hard we try, we will never understand them. 

My wife is a perfect example. I don’t even try to figure out the things she says or does anymore. I just go with the flow. Here are a few of my favorite personal experiences, with the love of my life, that illustrate the differences between them and us.

“A man is given the choice between loving women and understanding them.”

Ninon de L’Enclos

Our First Date

It wasn’t a “real” first date but it was the first time we did something together instead of with the “group.”  From long experience, I let her pick the movie. (Better to suffer through a chick flick than to be reminded about my poor taste for the rest of my life.)

So she picks one titled “The English Patient Driving Little Daisy To Tender Bridges” or something annoying like that. However, despite the title, the movie turns out to be a pretty cheesy (and explicit) sexploitation film.  Nudity, sex, and violence – much more entertaining (to me) but I’m wondering what her reaction is going to be (and thanking my lucky stars she’d picked the movie.)

As we walked out of the theater, she said, “That was absolutely awful!”

I wisely responded, “Um.”

“Those shoes she was wearing were hideous!”

Who Cares About The Drapes?

Sunday afternoon and I’m watching football, feet up on the coffee table, with a cool one at hand, minding my own business and not causing trouble for anyone on Earth.  Suddenly, during a critical red zone pass play, I have hands clamped over my eyes while an all too familiar voice dangerously asks, “What color are our drapes?”

“What drapes?”

Twenty years later we’ll be walking along beside each other, when out of the clear blue sky I get a sharp elbow to the ribs and a hissed, “What drapes!!”  Whoever thought elephants never forget has never met a woman!  Besides, it was an unfair question.  We’d only lived there for a couple of years and the TV hid at least part of the drapes.  How was I supposed to know what color they were?

The good news is that I finally got a comeback. We’d gone to the grocery store on a beautiful spring day.  While we were inside, the mother of all thunderstorms rolled in.  We checked out and I gallantly left her under the dry canopy while I ran across the parking lot to retrieve the car.  I’m drenched by the time I reach it – and that’s when my cell phone rings and I hear, “I’ve got the keys.”

So – when I hear, “What drapes!” I return the poke in the ribs with “I’ve got the keys!”

Like Mother, Like Daughter

I was driving from Houston to San Antonio with my wife in the front on her cell phone and my daughter in back on hers. I had mostly tuned out the continuous female chatter and assumed that, between the two of them, they had called 96.32% of everyone on Earth – but then –

“Are you two talking to each other?”

Yep – My daughter had butt dialed my wife, so of course they had to discuss it – at length – back seat to front seat.

Have You Met My Wife?

I once again submitted to taking her to some chick flick.  The theater audience was mostly women with a smattering of suffering men like me. In the middle of a quiet overly dramatic emotional scene, The Darling excitedly stands up, points, and says way too loud, “Look!  They’ve got the same fabric on that couch as we do!”

I look around and all the guys are like me, scrunching down trying to hide, and every woman in the place is nodding supportively, as if to say, “That’s really cool, Sister!”

These are just a few memorable moments – I’ve got probably a thousand more.  Doubtlessly, you too have had your own “special” moments with the gentler sex. Let’s just face it guys – they are DIFFERENT than us and we ain’t EVER gonna figure them out!

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the main reason that women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

George Carlin

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Reeves Motal
Reeves Motal
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