Jack Edwards

All of us remember when we found out Santa Claus wasn’t real. It was a devastating blow. This was despite our suspecting as much for some time.  I suffered a similar blow yesterday. My wife patted me on the stomach, over my beautiful Hawaiian shirt, and told me POINT BLANK, “Your stomach’s sticking out.” Suddenly, my space-time continuum began spinning. My belief that my size large Hawaiian shirt

They are a wonderful, All-American family, except for one little thing. They might try to kill you. This family, who I will refer to for the purposes of this article as “The Marshall Family,” because their last name happens to be Marshall, strategically avoids giving off the impression that vacationing with them will result in your untimely death. This impression would be wrong. Our families recen

According to Mr. Google, 71.6% of Americans are overweight. I am one of those proud Americans. However, I am currently on a diet. My diet works like this: Step 1: Wake up in the morning vowing to only eat freshly picked lettuce and cucumbers until I have lost 40 pounds. Step 2: End the day polishing off a quart of Chunky Monkey ice cream. Okay.  So, it might not be the best diet. In the meantime,

I recently entered a new phase of my midlife crisis. No, I’m not buying a motorcycle. (I think you have to be an organ donor for that.) No, I’m not jumping out of a plane. NO, I’m not appearing on Naked and Afraid.   Those things are pedestrian, even mundane. I’m throwing caution to the wind – I am drinking TAP water !   (I should point out that I do not live in Flint… Hey, I’m not suicidal.) Let

Millions of years from now, archaeologists, perhaps from another planet, will be carefully digging through previously inhabited areas of Earth. They will be looking for artifacts to help them understand the nature of the human experience. During this process, they will discover thousands of little plastic bags containing organic matter. They will wonder to themselves, “What was it about these litt

The last thing I want to do is make military service OR saving the world from rogue third-world counties ALL ABOUT ME. But let’s take a moment and make it all about me. I just watched the new Top Gun movie, and after nearly two hours of powering down a fifty-gallon drum of buttered popcorn, and feeling adrenaline coursing through my veins, I have officially decided to join the Navy. There is only

I just watched Shark Tank, and someone used the word “adroit.” The word caught my attention. I immediately stopped trying to confabulate some contraption to appear on Shark Tank and make my fortune. I thought to myself, ‘I need to start using that word. It’ll make me sound smart.’ So, that’s my new plan. First, I had to do some research, and by “research,” I mean, I had to find out what the word m

I love pizza as much as the next pre-diabetic guy, but this whole “pizza oven craze” is bonkers. A big, stand-alone oven exclusively to make pizza?   #1. How many times are you really ever going to use it? I mean, as an actual pizza oven, not a boat anchor. #2. How many days will it take before you start using it to store yard equipment, like your garden hose? Prepare yourself. The temptation will

I visited the beach yesterday. A sign posted at the entrance point had four pictures on it – A crab, a cigarette butt, a sand dollar and a starfish. It read: “Which of these things doesn’t belong here?” My heart sank. Have we really reached the point as a society where we’re banning crabs from the beach? I was so disgusted that I threw my cigarette down and stomped it with my sole. Just kidding! I

When we think of combat sports, we think of MMA fighting and boxing. The image of a cat fighting a roll of paper towels inside a bathtub isn’t often the first thing to come to mind.  I had never seen or heard of such a thing myself until I was leaning over to start shaving recently. All of a sudden, all hell broke loose behind me. For a moment, I thought I was going to be the victim of a brutal ho

Like most patriotic Americans, I only have a select number of trusted information sources. The first is the Bible. The second is the Encyclopedia Britannica. And the third, of course, is Snapple.    Snapple always puts a “Real Facts” note underneath their bottle caps.  The following is a sample of real “Real Facts.” (Sadly, I had to fix a glaring Snapple grammatical error. In that Snapple writer’s

I lost my wedding ring. When I confessed this to my wife, I was surprised to learn that she wasn’t upset. She took it calmly. She simply set down her phone, looked at me with her gentle, loving eyes, and yelled, “What?” at the top of her lungs. I had developed the habit of slipping my ring off my finger and fiddling with it. Whenever my wife saw me do this, she would scold me. “You’re going to los

Every once in a while, I make the tragic mistake of subscribing to People magazine. It isn’t that I WANT People magazine, it is that the magazine skillfully uses a sophisticated entrapment technique to coerce me into subscribing. It happens at my work.   It goes like this. They send you a color flyer depicting a cover of People magazine with the sales pitch, “54 Weeks of People, Just $47!” That ca

Being the victim of a violent crime is life altering. This is especially true if the offense is not only violent but invades your privacy. I should know. I am now tragically among the ranks of our nation’s faceless victims. How? A guy named “Bob” recently hacked my family’s Netflix account. That’s him in the picture. I had innocently enough opened our Netflix account to watch the next episode The

No, I didn’t make it all the way home with my grocery bag on top of my car, but I darn well gave it my best! I am many things, but I AM NOT A QUITTER! When I got home, I put the bag back on top to memorialize my stupidity for posterity, and, of course, for you, my loyal readers. It’s not every day that you are driving along, and people begin pointing and shouting at you. That said, I do live in Or

Those of you old enough to remember the 1988 winter Olympics may recall a ski jumper nicknamed, “Eddie the Eagle.” Eddie was a British plasterer (yes, this is both a word and a profession) turned ski jumper who was so bad they made a movie about him. Eddie ski jumped with as much grace and precision as a braised ham. So, it is with little pleasure that I confess to you that I am the Eddie the Eagl

Our story begins eons ago, in prehistoric times. A dark and primitive period otherwise referred to in Archeology textbooks as 1975. During this epoch, mankind’s early ancestors with their broad, sloping foreheads and barrel shaped torsos began each day by mixing freeze-dried crystals into hot water, taking a sip, and then declaring it, “Good to the last drop.” You can visit the coffee museum locat

I don’t know why we humans are so fascinated with toilets. But we are. It’s in our DNA. From the first time a Neanderthal dug a small hole in the ground and presented it with beaming pride to his Neanderthal wife, we have found few items of greater interest. This is especially true of toilets with unusual features. World literature is replete with toilet stories, and I’m about to add another. But

#3. Lotteries winners (before the relatives find out) #2. Patients whose cancer tests have come back negative, and (in a dominant first position) #1. Airline passengers who have just landed after a long flight seated in the dreaded middle seat. 1. Never, repeat, NEVER, travel in the middle seat. Ask the boarding agent if there is room on the exterior of the plane – someplace where you can get a go