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WMDD: Where’s My Dick Disorder

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Are you missing your vital organ? It’s a rising epidemic among men over 50—another possible side effect of Manopause: the disappearing penis. Instead of the once proud and hopefully prominent obelisk, a shy and retracting vestigial limb begins to take its place. 

Like a marsupial pouch hiding it’s treasure from the outside world, or a turtle retreating into it’s shell, some men’s winkies are, if not vanishing, certainly recoiling. 

Why is this happening? Is it inevitable, permanent, reversible? Well, there are several causes and fortunately most are treatable.

Overgrown, Neglected Pubic Hairs

While men can lose hair on their heads with sad inevitability, the pubes will grow like weeds if not attended to, not only trapping the penis that must struggle for air, but also providing a catchment area for unwanted stuff like Oreo crumbs, dead skin, and little critters. Oh, the humanity! What partner will want to risk the treacherous journey to find your prize? Not many, and those that do, really?

What’s the answer? MANSCAPE! There are many men’s grooming products that let you trim, coiffe, rehabiltate, and beautify the bramble patch that your pubic hairs have become. Whether you go commando and shave it clean, shorten and part the hair, curl or straighten it, the point is to free your pud and let it re-emerge to get busy.

Adipose – That Means Fat

Yup, it can happen to the best of us. It’s a fact that after 40 we are destined to gain at least 1 pound a year unless we step it up—more cardio, less consuming. Now men are called “apples” because we usually store fat in the midsection, unlike most women who are “pears,” and store it in the butt and thighs. As apples, we have a lot of fat inside our bellies (think beer belly) as well as, you guessed it, the mons pubis, that area that hosts your hedge row. So while your view of your junk disappears behind the horizon of your belly, the pubis fattens up and swallows up your member, like an octopus smothering its prey.

So, difficult as it may be, you have to control your weight, or lose it if you’re already there. Walk, run, lift weights, swim, play tennis—rev up the metabolic engine and take care what you eat.  Or you can try liposuction. Your penis will thank you.

Disuse Atrophy – Use It Or Lose It

That’s not entirely true, but mostly. Now your phallus isn’t a bone as boner might imply, nor is it a muscle. It’s basically a reservoir that fills with blood and balloons and tightens stiff membranes inside the penis. Things like diabetes, neurological disorders, and manopausal hormonal changes can mess with the blood flow, creating Erectile Dysfunction, or a limp dick. Obviously you need to go for regular medical exams, but if all is otherwise ok, there are medications like Cialis and Viagra that help blood flow and get you living hard again. Once that’s sorted, make sure you use it as often as you can.

And finally, if you’re just small, check out Austin Powers’ Swedish Penis enlarging vacuum tube—I’m told it might work.

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About The Author:

Larry Pollack

Larry Pollack

Larry Pollack is a board certified plastic surgeon for 30 years and a writer for even longer. He has written a pilot script for a TV show called “Manopause” as well as a spec script for a horror film called “Spore.” He attended UCLA and majored in Political Science. He trained in Plastic Surgery at the University of New Mexico Hospital in Albuquerque.

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