Repeal Gravity!
Even a momentary glance at the News will tell you that we are in serious trouble. Trouble – Trouble – Trouble in every direction! We have let things go on for far too long and it is time to get off our duffs and demand that our US Senators and Representatives get off their own backsides and take immediate action!
For 334 years we have been disastrously hampered by the most insidious of laws and it’s time once and for all to put an end to its tyranny by repealing it immediately!
Air pollution, city congestion, fossil fuel dependence, global warming, and a whole litany of other social and environmental sins have resulted to plague all of humankind!
And it’s time to similarly stop exalting the perpetrator of this calamity and to cast him down to the bottom of the list of traitors to all of humanity!
By now, it should be obvious that I’m referring to Sir Isaac Newton (and the Brits need to un-Sir him without delay) and his treacherous Law of Gravity!!
I Believe I Can Fly
Think about it – without gravity – WE CAN FLY!!!! Woo-Hoo!!!
Just stretch your arms out in front, take a couple of jogging steps and a hop, flip horizontal – and GO FOR IT!!! (Eat your heart out comic book Superman – we can do it for real!!) The flowing cape is optional, but seriously, it’s the ultimate fashion accessory for flight enabled folks. Gotta make fists with your hands to deflect the sonic booms away from your face, (really bad for contact lens.)
No More Traffic Or Pollution
Morning work traffic congestion? Gone! No more freeways! Just fly directly to the window of your tenth story office. (Best to leave the window open the night before.)
Exhaust pollution from 87+ billion cars? Gone! No more need for cars when we become an aerial enabled world.
Green house gases? Gone! Resulting global warming – stopped dead in its tracks. No more internal combustion engines. No more dependence on fossil fuels. We’re talking an absolute utopia!!!
You Can Live Anywhere!
No streets, no driveways, no car payments. You can live anywhere within a few minutes personal flight time. Build a house in the middle of nowhere waaaay out in the boonies. All that concrete that heats up to egg frying temperature in the summer is gone – replaced by flowing meadows of native grass. Environmentalist take note of the increased habitat for endangered species.
All the delivery services will fly products directly to your door in seconds – REALLY hot pizzas! Or just fly yourself over to pick up the whatever in the twinkling of an eye.
No More Falls Or Natural Disasters
No more danger of falls! No more skinned knees, no more broken bones, no more slips in the shower, no more tumbling down the stairs, and no more hard knocks rattling our brains!
We’ll be able to tackle even bigger problems. Suppose the weekly hurricane is threatening Florida. If all 21 plus million Florida flyers take off and fly supersonically opposite to the counterclockwise winds, the hurricane will stall out into a pleasant summer breeze.
Ground shaking from the West Coast Big One? Hop into the air and head for Nebraska. Imminent tornado attack incoming to Nebraska? Hop into the air and head for California.
Got clouds but no rain? A few thousand aviators and aviatrixes zooming through the clouds at triple supersonic speeds will shake out all the rain you can handle to end the drought.
And speaking of aviators and aviatrixes, triple A (American Automobile Association) will be renamed and repurposed to quintuple A – American Aviators And Aviatrixes Association to provide flight planning, etc. (Towing will no longer be covered.)
And think about the fun aspects. No more toilet papering the mean old crusty elementary school teacher that made your formative years a living nightmare. Just buzz her house all night long – at Mach 2 – the sonic booms will rattle her windows and dentures making sleep impossible!! Take that Miss Grundy!!
Imagine How Sports Will Change
Sports would of course be totally different. Weightlifting competitions would be in the dustbin of history. A feather? A refrigerator? An eighteen wheeler? They all weight the same – Nothing! During high jump events the bar would move up in thousand foot intervals. Diving competitions would be staged from the 100 meter boards – “Our next competitor will be performing a dive with a difficulty rating of 8.7 – 47 and a half in tuck position with 53 twists.”
Basketball goals will move up to 100 feet. The marathon will go from 26 miles to 2600 miles – expect the world record to be around two hours. Skateboarding? You’re gonna see some SERIOUS air! The ski jump events will be measured in furlongs. Sadly, no more home runs in baseball when outfielders can snag a ball a hundred feet in the air. The new triple option in football will be run, pass, or fly. Unfortunately, soccer and hockey will still be the sport for people that love ties.
A Few Precautions
There are a few precautions that will need to be taken before the repeal takes effect. For example, not only will we be able to fly, but so will other animals. Cows will need to be tethered to the ground. Getting “bombed” by a bird is bad enough but getting bombed by a wayward Holstein would be a LOT worse. Probably a good idea to similarly tether horses and pigs securely to the terra firma. (And I won’t even mention elephants.)
Admittedly, there are a few problems that still won’t go away.
“Uh – Siri – where am I? All I see is this big ditch.” “That’s the Grand Canyon, you goofball. I’ll bet you slept straight through your Flyer’s Ed class in high school, didn’t you?” (Siri seems to have developed a little attitude problem.)
“Hey you! Yeah, all of you! You dang kids get off my front air!”
“Leash! Leash! And pick up after your pooch!!!”
OK, OK, it’s never gonna be a perfect world, but the ability to “grab some air” will revolutionize our entire society.
So – get the emails, texts, cards, letters, carrier pigeons, etc. on their way to Washington and let’s get this done now!!
PS Be sure and order one of our nifty T-shirts to let everyone know where you stand!
