Hawaiian Shirts Aren’t Magic?
All of us remember when we found out Santa Claus wasn’t real. It was a devastating blow. This was despite our suspecting as much for some time. I suffered a similar blow yesterday. My wife patted me on the stomach, over my beautiful Hawaiian shirt, and told me POINT BLANK, “Your stomach’s sticking out.” Suddenly, my space-time continuum began spinning.
My belief that my size large Hawaiian shirt cloaked my torso, thus rendering my belly invisible, vanished in an instant. I was speechless. (Which, for those who know me, is inconceivable.) Of course, my wife loves me, so you may assume she said this in a sensitive and nonjudgmental manner. Your assumption would be wrong. She absolutely said it in a judgmental manner!
A Side Note About Santa
Now, because I mentioned Santa, I must momentarily deviate from my topic to share something I heard awhile back. Get ready to take notes, “This is gold, Jerry. Gold!” Here it is:
There are three stages in life. First, you believe in Santa. Second, you do not believe in Santa. And, third, you ARE Santa.
I love this, and I never get tired of repeating it..
Now, as amusing as that Santa comment may be, it doesn’t do anything for my belly. So back to the protruding subject at hand –
“You’re Going To Have To Starve”
My wife further gently offered me a piece of loving advice: “You’re going to have to starve yourself.”
As a result, I am now forced to accept that my Hawaiian shirts do not possess the power I had once believed. On-the-other-hand, this awakening came with some relief. Like Adam and Eve eating the apple, I was no longer living in ignorance.
We all see the guy with the comb-over and ask ourselves, “Does he really think he’s fooling anyone, and people don’t know he’s bald.” And we all know that “full-figured” women like to wear clothes with vertical stripes because they create a slimmer image. I was finally free to embrace MY reality.
I took my beautiful wife’s constructive comments to heart, and I took IMMEDIATE action –
According to Amazon Prime, my new EXTRA-large Hawaiian shirts arrive tomorrow.