The Beginnings Of A Reverse Puberty
Aging is not for the meek. We’ve been hearing that for years—way too many years!—and it’s true. As an “older man,” not to be confused with an OLD man, which is different, I have found my body changing over the last several years. Or is it decades? It’s kind of like a reverse puberty, which is not as much fun as the real thing was. If we can even remember that far back.
Goodbye Lean Body
The first thing that went was leanness, taken over by the progressively slower metabolism that started about age 30. Seriously? They/ He/ God couldn’t have given us another decade or so of firm, taught muscle mass?
But no, the one percent of metabolism we lose every year after that takes its toll, so by age 60 we’re running 30 percent slower on the fat burn. That means we have to work 30 percent harder and burn that many more calories just to break even. I think we got screwed on that one.
Baldness On The Rise
I was lucky that I kept most of my hair much longer than other men. I still had good hair in my forties, even to my early to mid-fifties, and then it started thinning bit by bit. Finally, I bit and decided (actually my girlfriend decided for me…) that shaving it bald was the way to go. I’m a small guy with an incredibly small head that I cannot find hats for, and I feared the bald look wouldn’t work for me. But it did.
More Nostril Hair Than Head Hair
Combine that with the hair not on your head, which has now migrated to your nostrils, ears and bushy eyebrows like it’s on some type of weird tectonic plate, and you have trouble brewing. We now require hedge trimmers, instead of tweezers, for grooming, and my conclusion here is that we (men) got screwed once again on this deal. Manscaping is now a tedious chore, instead of a pleasant diversion.
Those two bitches are cosmetic and really just enforce our manliness. We want to look good and have a great head of hair.
Insert Bladder Issues
But of all the things that bug me most—which has nothing to do with vanity—the peeing thing is the worst. How could something so simple, so elementary, something we started doing the day we were born (with no instruction!), turn into such a pain in the ass.
It’s called the prostate and when that little walnut sized gland, as its described, starts enlarging, it pushes on our bladder, and well, you know, you either can’t pee or want to pee all the time. It’s never consistent and can be both or neither at any given time.
As a man who appreciates efficiency, I concluded that I was wasting way too much time on peeing, so I decided to use that down time for something more effective and productive.
So, I decided to use that time to catch up on my reading.
Newspapers (still around) were readily available, so I started bringing them into the bathroom to catch up on the news while I’m doing my business. The problem was, it took too long. Even the Sunday NY Times was no competition, comics and all, plus when I laughed too hard at them, I made a mess. Aargh! Getting old’s a pain.
Magazines came next, and thank goodness they still offer something in print that we can carry in one hand! That worked well, but I went through magazines much too quickly as well, and crossword puzzles or Sudoku were no solution because it usually takes two hands to do them.
Hard copy books were also a problem since it’s too hard to hold a book with one hand while you, you know, but digital books on my phone made this much more practical.
So I decided to download a book, and that made it much more tolerable and greatly increased my time efficiency. I finished The Lord of the Rings trilogy in just a few days and got my peeing done at the same time. Yea, now that is time management!
I’m into the groove now, and feel really proud of myself. I’m answering the call of nature while expanding my mind, and currently I’m working on Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. I figure I can knock out 1168 pages in about a week.
Does anyone know where I can get a set of Encyclopedia Britanica?