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Our Favorite Dirty Jokes (Warning: Contains foul language, sexual situations and other f*@king funny stuff)

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In our never-ending quest to entertain our audience, we at Manopause set out to gather the funniest and dirtiest jokes we could find. We took an informal survey of our friends and family (not our mothers), we searched high and low (mostly low) and we conducted extensive research (we looked in some old joke books) to come up with this quintessential collection of blue humor.

Some of these are old jokes that you’ve probably heard before (as they say, the classics never die). And some of them are lesser known jokes that you’ve probably never heard before (unless you’re Shecky Green).

Q & A Jokes

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball!

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed.

Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Nobody would pay 100 bucks to have a lentil on their face.

Little Johnny Jokes

One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parent’s room to see what it was. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad giving it to her from behind. Johnny’s dad saw him and gave him a big smile and a little wink as an upset Johnny closed the door. After he was done, dad went to check on Little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find grandma bent over the dresser and Little Johnny giving it to her from behind. Dad yelled, “Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!” Little Johnny replied, “It’s not so funny when it’s your mom is it?”

Little Johnny and his dad were walking through the park when they saw two dogs fucking. Johnny asked what they were doing, so his father explained, “They’re making love and when they’re done, they’re going to have a puppy.” A few days later, Johnny walked in on his parents fucking. He asked, “What are you doing?” And his father explained, “We’re making love and when we’re done, we’re going to have a baby.” So Johnny asked, “Well could you turn her over? I’d rather have a puppy.”

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking a cigarette. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can I smoke one of your cigarettes?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No”, said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.” The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No,” said Little Johhny. “Then you’re not old enough.” The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, “Can I have one of your cookies?” Little Johnny replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” His grandpa said, “It most certainly can!” Little Johnny replied, “Then go fuck yourself.”

This Guy Jokes

This guy is having sex with a woman who has the largest vagina he’s ever seen. It’s so big that he accidentally falls in. While he’s in there, he bumps into two other guys. The first guy says, “If you help me look for my flashlight we can find our way out of here.” The second guy says, “Fuck that. If you help me find my car keys we can drive out of here!”

This guy goes into a bar, and orders 10 martinis. The bartender says, “Do you want to wait till your friends get here?” “No, they’re all for me,” the guy says. He drinks the 10 martinis. The bartender is taken back, “I’ve never seen anybody drink 10 martinis before. What ‘s the special occasion?” “It’s my first blow job,” the guy says. The bartender puts another martini in front of him and says, “This one is free to help you celebrate.” “No thanks,” the guy says, “if the 10 martinis didn’t take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.” 

There’s this guy who’s led a very sheltered life. He still lives with his mother and he’s still a virgin. The ultimate “mama’s boy.” When he finally gets married, he’s still a virgin on his wedding night and his wife is expecting to have sex. But when he comes to bed, he just turns out the lights and goes to sleep. So his wife says, “Aren’t we going to do it?” “Do what?” he asks. “You know, fuck.” “Fuck? What’s that?” “Are you kidding me? You don’t know what fucking is?” “No.” Frustrated, she explains, “It’s when you put your penis inside my vagina and we have sex!” The guys jumps out of bed and says, “Oh, no. No way. I’m not falling for that. My mother warned me what would happen if I did that.” “What did your mother tell you?” “She told me that you have teeth in there and if I put my penis in it then you’re going to bite it off!” “Well that’s the most ridiculous thing…and you believed it?” “Yep.” “Alright. I’ll prove to you that’s not true.” So she lifts her nightgown, spreads her legs and tells him, “Look! Go ahead, take a good look inside. Do you see any teeth in there?” The man puts his head between her legs, examines her closely and when he finally pulls his head up he says, “Well no wonder you don’t have any teeth…look at the condition of those gums!”

Doctor Jokes

A man is sitting in a doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” “I don’t understand, doc,” the man says. “Why?” “Because,” the doctor says, “I’m trying to examine you!”

“Won’t you kiss me, doctor?” asks the beautiful woman. “No. It would be against my code of ethics,” says the doctor. “Please just one kiss,” begs the woman. “It’s completely out of the question,” he goes on, “I shouldn’t even be fucking you.”

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.” That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”

Classic Jokes

An elderly couple has fallen on hard times and decides the only way they can pay their bills is if the old lady goes out and turns tricks. So the old man drops her off on a corner downtown to walk the streets. At the end of the day he picks her up and asks, “So how’d you do?” The old lady says, “Not bad. I made a hundred dollars and fifty cents!” “That’s pretty good,” the old man says, “but who gave you the fifty cents?” And she says, “All of them.”

Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, “This is my chance!” He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet, bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says, ”What the hell was that!?” The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but it hurt like hell!”

An innocent man goes to prison and he’s scared and crying and he’s all upset. So an older prisoner comes up to him and says, “Don’t worry about it, it’s not so bad here. You like baseball?” The man says, “Yeah.” “Well, we play baseball every Monday. You like movies?” And the man says, “I love movies!” The prisoner tells him, “Every Tuesday is movie night here. You play poker?” “Sure. Poker’s my game.” “We play poker every Wednesday night. Let me ask you something, are you a homosexual?” And the man says, “No.” “Oh. Well you’re not going to like Thursdays.”

Dirty jokes are great, but they’re even funnier when cute kids are telling them. Check out these videos and you’ll see what we mean.

Come on, you must know some good dirty jokes. Share them with us on our Manopause Community Forum and let’s have some more laughs together!

Check out these other selections from Manopause:

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About The Author:

The Manopause Team

The Manopause Team

An overeducated and underpaid team of writers, researchers and very opinionated men and women of all ages. Venturing into heretofore uncharted online territory, they are dedicated to entertaining, educating, inspiring and uniting men over 50 ...and the people who love them.
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