Friends and neighbors, boys and girls, the Apocalypse is upon us! Why? Because we humans have lost our friggin’ minds! We are committing specie-cide! All it takes is a trip to your local grocery store to provide all the proof you need that wholesale insanity is loose in this world!
With insanity on my mind (or in it, or something,) I decided to play investigative reporter, (like back when that actually meant something other than a political agenda,) and check out the aisles of my HEB (regional Texas grocery chain) across the golf course and the Walmart down the road. Girding myself with my best friend Jack Daniel’s assistance for moral strength, I started with the fresh fruit and vegetable stuff. My first observations: “What the hell is all this crap? Is any of it even food? Would even a rabid goat eat this stuff?” Even worse as I looked over the nightmare offerings, I realized that half of them reminded me of Audrey II – the people eating plant from Little Shop of Horrors. You know, that “Mean Green Mother From Outer Space.” The other half seemed to come directly from Day of the Triffids – more people eating plants imported from outer space. [Note to NASA: Skip the sample return missions with carnivorous vegetation.]
OK, I obviously escaped with my life, (and managed to muffle my screams of terror.) But I made a few notes of the worst offenders that we’ll get to shortly.
My next stop was the frozen fruits and vegetables. Same thing, same response, same carnivorous plants, (but at least they were safely caged behind glass doors.) I ended up cutting this one short. Seeing pizzas with CAULIFLOWER based crusts was all I could take. This isn’t only a capital crime – it’s got to be a mortal sin! As I fled the aisle in disgust, my eyes caught yet another True End Sign – CHICKEN FRIED BROCCOLI FLORETS!!
In the parking lot safely confined within my truck with doors locked, I talked things over with Jack and reluctantly decided that I was wimping out on my mission – you know, the old “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” So I returned to the store and took on the Mother of All Abominations – the “health food aisle.” Along with all the expected useless witch’s potion concoctions of supplements, vitamins, and minerals I found:
Beeswax Pellets, Echinacea, Indian Ashwagandha, Kelp, Maca Root, Manitoba Harvest Hemp Hearts, Morinda Citrifolia, Moringa, Spirulina from Blue-Green Algae, Wheat Grass, Diatomaceous Earth, and Calcium Bentonite Clay.
Every “health food” promises the moon, the stars, and the planets – including the cure for all human ills and deficiencies and even the end of cross divide political animosity. Considering I’m writing this as the mid term elections are sorted out, good luck on that last claim. (Another Apocalyptic Omen!)
They were all totally ridiculous, but the last two drove me from the department. Diatomaceous Earth? Eat it? The only place it belongs is in the swimming pool filter. And Calcium Bentonite Clay? Who the hell are they kidding? Down here in Texas where we’ve got all these oil and gas wells, we’ve got another name for it – DRILLING MUD!! When wet, it expands to EIGHT times its dry size. The next time you read of someone spontaneously exploding in The National Enquirer, you can bet orally administered drilling mud was the culprit. It’s pretty obvious that the people who create (and promote) “health foods,” (and the trendy diets of the week,) never personally touch the vile stuff. Otherwise, the sane people, (statistically, there has to be at least a couple left,) would be gleefully reading of the creators’ demise in the obituaries. Come on folks, don’t fall for some scheming con job perpetrated by some get rich quick “do gooder” whose only concern is separating you from your hard earned bucks!
After more consultation with Jack, I considered my Fruit and Vegetable offenders list.
Açaí Palm Fruit, Ackees, Aloe Vera, Bok Choy, Cassava, Chia Seeds, Chokeberries, Dragon Fruit, Durian Fruit, Edamame, Goji Berries, Jackfruit, Jícamas, Kale, Li Hing Mui, Lingonberries, Loquat, Lychees, Maqui Berries, Pacaya, Parsnips, Persimmons, Pluots, Poisonberries, Pummelos, Rambutan Clam, Rutabagas, and Tamarind.
First off, most of them I’ve never heard off – obviously more lethal extraterrestrial imports. The few I have heard off are all certified inedible. Rutabagas? Parsnips? Persimmons? Really? And POISONBERRIES? The only reference I could find shows they are in fact poisonous. Hmmm – maybe that’s why they come from Colorado? Chia seeds? If I eat them will I grow green chia pet tendrils out of my scalp? (Not a widely recommended hair replacement method.) By the way, one of them worked out to $47.79 per pound!!
Forget that and let’s cut to the chase and get back to basics. Take a look at a grazing cow. (If you don’t have any handy ones on your Back Forty, then do a Google image search.) First, note the location of the eyes – one on each side of the head. Now note the length of the neck. That’s so when standing up, the cow can bend its head all the way down to the ground to eat grass. OK, get a picture of a cow skull. Take a look at the cow’s teeth – lawnmowers in the front for clipping grass – and grinders in back for “cud crushing” – that is, re-eating and re-eating previously eaten food. Get another image of the digestive system – four “stomachs.” That’s what it takes, along with microbes from hell, to actually get any nourishment from vegetable matter.
OK, now go stand in front of your bathroom mirror. Eyes? Front of the head – perfect for hunting. Neck? Way too short to get your head down to the ground while standing up. Now do a big snarling, gaping mouth open grin. Note the canine teeth for tearing flesh. We’ll assume you’ve only got one stomach, no matter how big the apparent size. Lastly, microbes for breaking down cellulose? Zero!
Folks, we are not cows! We weren’t made for “Grazing in the Grass” (ignore Hugh Masekela.) We are carnivores! Meat Eaters! After a mano a mano fight to the death, our teeth weren’t made to sink into the quivering flank of a defeated – KALE!! (By the way – you don’t have to worry about the time of the growing cycle – Meat Is Always In Season!!)
Let’s try another tack on our way to Apocalypse. When I was just an annoying brat the selection of breakfast cereal was mostly Wheaties, Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies, Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, Raisin Bran, Grape-Nuts, and maybe Special K so mom would have something “grown up” to eat. At HEB, I counted 211 different cereals! Walmart was worse, much worse – 387! By the way, due to newly promulgated Federal Safety Regulations, all Walmart cereal aisles are now required to have GPS equipped rescue squads to extricate hopelessly lost customers – I know, I was one.
Even “healthy” Special K has sold its soul to the Devil and now comes in 23 varieties:
Apple Cinnamon Crunch, Blueberry Lemon, Brown Sugar Gluten Free, Chocolate Almond, Chocolatey Delight, Chocolatey Strawberry, Cinnamon Pecan, Cinnamon Sugar Crunch Protein, Cranberry Granola, Creamy Berry Crunch, Fruit & Nut, Fruit & Yogurt, Hazelnut & Almond, Milk Chocolate, Oats & Honey, Original, Peach & Apricot, Protein, Red Berries, Strawberry and Chocolate, Touch of Honey Granola, Vanilla Almond, and Yoghurty.
Good luck finding a “healthy” mom acceptable one. Cheerios does them even better at 26 varieties – yeah 26! Do we really need a boutique variety of cereal for every person on the planet? By the way, cruise the aisle and check where our All American breakfasts are really manufactured. Or take a stroll down the coffee aisle. There are more variations of coffee than there are customers to drink the over priced foot wash. Same with tea. And water? There are more flavored waters than there are possible flavors. And all that bottle water? Most of it came out of someone else’s tap. Yeah, it’s filtered – just like the filtering you can do at home.
I won’t even consider the ramifications of meatless meat! Rice cakes = organically grown Styrofoam. Asparagus flavored snack chips? Salt free, butter free, air fried popcorn – why eat it? Tofu = French fried air. Snack on celery sticks? – you burn more calories eating it than it provides. (God help me! Someone will create an all celery weight loss diet.)
Insanity, not The Force, is strong within our species.
Need more evidence of the Apocalypse? Think about it – you make out your grocery list – and trek to the store – but you don’t buy what you want – you buy whatever is available. Take a look at the last couple of years at how our distribution system has gone to hell in an (empty) apple cart.
No Gatorade? It’s going to the folks in Louisiana that got clobbered by a hurricane.
No pasta? The Canadian wheat harvest was really crummy. Really, Canada? We don’t grow wheat in the US anymore?
What, no cereal? The workers at the plants making it in Mexico are on strike. Or maybe the one’s in India.
Baby food? Get in line. But rest assured the pet foods are still well stocked. OK, I admit that pets eat pet food for life, but babies grow up to adult food. Still – in cruising the pet aisles I found more Apocalyptic Signs. To wit – who the hell is treating Fido or Miss Whiskers to $20 meals? Why are these people allowed loose?
Poultry? They’ve all got bird flu. Get ready for Thanksgiving Tofu Turkey.
COVID hits and people buy sixteen years worth of – toilet paper? Huh?
By now it should be obvious that we humans have reached the point of no return. I’ve thrown up my hands and now only seek what comfort I can find in the limited time left – – –
Translation: Before I left the Store of the Apocalypse, I bought three half gallon cartons of Blue Bell Ice Cream!
Just remember: Dairy Free, Gluten Free, Fat Free, Sugar Free, Salt Free = Taste Free.