The Death Trap
There’s a startling disconnect between our amazing, absolutely mind blowing technology and the totally archaic shit that we refuse to modernize.
Like men’s dress shirts.
How many pins in a new dress shirt is too many? When one stabs you in the fucking heart, is that the optimal number?
After you open the package, you spend a half an hour plucking needles like a turn-of-the 19th century widowed Hungarian seamstress. When you grow weary from plucking 50,000 needles, you still put the shirt on with trembling hands because you know you missed at least one. And you’re thinking, one of these mini spears is going to stab me in my lower abdomen when I bend down to pick up a nickel to catch the trolley.
Other failed inventions
A pair of socks
As long as we’re griping about packaging blunders, can we go ahead and steer our best and brightest to designing a sock package that doesn’t require a neurosurgeon’s level of dexterity to open?
Look at all the fucking fabric I ripped as I pulled on the little plastic pieces from hell. Why are we still using these things? They’re too thin and short to cut with scissors. Once you do detach them, your fingers hurt and the little shits end up on the floor or wedged deep into the fabric.
The keychain ring
The keychain ring is another antiquated disaster.
A rudimentary device for carrying keys invented around the same time as the key to make it easier for dungeon masters to keep track of prisoners, the keychain has never gone through a single stage of modernization, and to this day, requires you to wedge your fingernail between two thin pieces of metal. In other words, to carry keys, you’re forced to endure metal pressing against the most sensitive skin on your body.
The lies of deodorant
Then there’s deodorant.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve fallen for the “no white marks” deodorant marketing scam, I’d have enough money to dry clean a pile of sweaters covered in white marks. It’s not just a stain on your shirt, it’s a stain on society for not fixing this glitch.
The umbrella disaster
Does everyone else curse into oblivion getting into their car while closing an umbrella? It’s a cartoon scene. You open the car door, frantically start pulling the runner down the pole, (I wikied it, a runner is what that thing is called) as rain pours into your car, and also on you, which is stupidly ironic.
When you finally slide the runner over the bottom spring (wikied) effectively closing this oddly anachronistic apparatus, you now have to wrap a velcroed ribbon around the pole. And the ribbon is always twisted, so it takes a few attempts to make the two pieces of velcro align. Why not just make the entire ribbon velcro? Why am I aiming a square inch patch of velcro on another patch of velcro like a lunatic?
After finally taming this wild inanimate beast and shoving it in the backseat, it’s still dripping water. There is no question more water gets into your car with an umbrella than with no umbrella. Any chance we can invent an alternative to this medieval canopy and death trap?