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The Death Trap Of Men’s Dress Shirts And 4 Other Failed Inventions

The Death Trap

There’s a startling disconnect between our amazing, absolutely mind blowing technology and the totally archaic shit that we refuse to modernize.

Like men’s dress shirts.

How many pins in a new dress shirt is too many? When one stabs you in the fucking heart, is that the optimal number?

After you open the package, you spend a half an hour plucking needles like a turn-of-the 19th century widowed Hungarian seamstress. When you grow weary from plucking 50,000 needles, you still put the shirt on with trembling hands because you know you missed at least one. And you’re thinking, one of these mini spears is going to stab me in my lower abdomen when I bend down to pick up a nickel to catch the trolley.

Other failed inventions

A pair of socks

As long as we’re griping about packaging blunders, can we go ahead and steer our best and brightest to designing a sock package that doesn’t require a neurosurgeon’s level of dexterity to open?

Look at all the fucking fabric I ripped as I pulled on the little plastic pieces from hell. Why are we still using these things? They’re too thin and short to cut with scissors. Once you do detach them, your fingers hurt and the little shits end up on the floor or wedged deep into the fabric.

The keychain ring

The keychain ring is another antiquated disaster.

A rudimentary device for carrying keys invented around the same time as the key to make it easier for dungeon masters to keep track of prisoners, the keychain has never gone through a single stage of modernization, and to this day, requires you to wedge your fingernail between two thin pieces of metal. In other words, to carry keys, you’re forced to endure metal pressing against the most sensitive skin on your body.

The lies of deodorant

Then there’s deodorant.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve fallen for the “no white marks” deodorant marketing scam, I’d have enough money to dry clean a pile of sweaters covered in white marks. It’s not just a stain on your shirt, it’s a stain on society for not fixing this glitch.

The umbrella disaster

Does everyone else curse into oblivion getting into their car while closing an umbrella? It’s a cartoon scene. You open the car door, frantically start pulling the runner down the pole, (I wikied it, a runner is what that thing is called) as rain pours into your car, and also on you, which is stupidly ironic.

When you finally slide the runner over the bottom spring (wikied) effectively closing this oddly anachronistic apparatus, you now have to wrap a velcroed ribbon around the pole. And the ribbon is always twisted, so it takes a few attempts to make the two pieces of velcro align. Why not just make the entire ribbon velcro? Why am I aiming a square inch patch of velcro on another patch of velcro like a lunatic?

After finally taming this wild inanimate beast and shoving it in the backseat, it’s still dripping water. There is no question more water gets into your car with an umbrella than with no umbrella. Any chance we can invent an alternative to this medieval canopy and death trap?

Join us in our Community Forum!

We all remember encountering a useless invention or something that clearly wasn’t yet perfected, right? These frustrating moments are ones you swear you will never forget, but inevitably you do… until the next time you find yourself attempting to use said item. There has to be a better way! If we can create an iPhone, we can do better. We have to do better. Until then, let’s complain about these hellish inventions and see if anyone else has any suggestions for an alternative that causes fewer headaches! Join us for this conversation in our Community Forum!

About The Author
Eugene Slaven
Eugene Slaven
This article was originally published on HumorQuotient.net, a relentlessly original humor site founded by Eugene Slaven, author of the comic novel A Life of Misery and Triumph and the political thriller The Sorghum Saga. For freelance writing inquiries, please email [email protected]. Social: LinkedIn; Twitter; Facebook.
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