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The Hilarious Christmas Songs We Wish We Had!

Published: December 23, 2022

It used to start at Thanksgiving.  Now it’s crept diabolically back to Halloween.  Except in some places, (Hobby Lobby I’m looking at you,) it now begins about June 1st.  AARGH!  The Holiday Season has arrived!

When I was a kid, Christmas got kicked off the first week, or sometimes the second week, of December when the train arrived with the fresh cut Christmas trees.  Everyone in town helped unload them – and got a chance to pick out the best.  By the way, it was a steam train – it’s been quite a few years.  Now, we might as well toss in the towel make Christmas a year round event.

I won’t list the entire litany of “Holiday Annoyances” but near the top of the list are the “Christmas Songs” that are inescapable as they are blasting in every store in town.  And if they were traditional songs, it might not be quite as bad, but it’s mostly “new, improved” versions of the old stuff, all sung by “singers?” that add their own “special stylings.”  And they repeat the same ones over and over and over.  And just as a philosophical question – did we really need a ‘rapped’ version of White Christmas?

OK, confession time, I once did a Christmas album myself (under extreme distress.)  The title, “Hell Froze Over,” kind of expresses my sentiments about the venture.  At least they were all instrumentals and were OK elevator background music.  My four unbroken rules regarding Christmas songs were:

1. No “cute” kid songs, and in particular, absolutely no song ever sung BY a kid.

2. No songs by barber shop quartets harmonizing on odious “songs?” that were out of date before my grandparents were born.

3. No “jazzy scat” renditions of anything, (Frank Sinatra, I’m talking about you and your hideously obnoxious Jing, Jing, Jing, Jing, Jingle Bells!)

4. NO SANTA BABY!  After hearing some guy regurgitating it my own stomach was emptied.  (This should be a shoot on sight capital offense.)

Since we are apparently condemned to the Hell of hearing the songs for a goodly portion of the year, we should at least make them more appropriate.  Here’s a few little ditties to get all you songwriters and musicians, (potential and actual,) busy creating some new holiday joy.

I could only manage a part of this first one, (more regurgitation problems.)  Unless you’ve been living in a cave you’ll recognize the song even those it’s only loosely based on the original.

♫ It’s beginning to look a lot like shopping
   In every store in town
   Spending money that you don’t have
   On gifts no one will like
   ‘Cause it’s Christmas
   Oh what a delight!
   It’s beginning to look a lot like charging
   All around the town
   Visa and Amex and Mastercard
   Will spread your wealth around
   But the saddest sight you’ll see
   Will be the bills in January
   At your own front door. ♫

And what could be more Christmas like than Christmas dinner?

♫ Chipmunks roasting on a open fire
Steak sauce dripping from their toes
A Yuletide feast of fat juicy rats
And folks decked out in dinner clothes.
Everybody knows that garlic and some cilantro
Helps to make the seasonings right
Tiny tots with hunger all aglow
Will eat and eat and eat tonight
They know that dinner’s on its way
There’ll be lots of chipmunk drumsticks on the tray
And every mother’s child will have spied
To see if leftovers really are good fried
And so I’m offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two
Although it’s been said many times, many ways
Merry Feasting to you
Merry Feasting to you 

Here’s one that’s not a usual Christmas tune, but it’s pretty appropriate.  After all, all those countless gifts you are coerced to buy for half the American continent have to be purchased somehow.  So –

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow, Amex?

♫ Tonight, you’re mine completely
   You let me charge so freely
   Tonight, the light of sales is in the aisles
   But will you love me tomorrow?
   Is this a lasting treasure
   Or just a moment’s pleasure?
   Can I believe the magic of your swipes?
   Will you still love me tomorrow?
   Tonight, with texts unspoken,
   You say that I’m the only one
   But will it all be revoken
   When the night (when the night)
   Meets the morning sun?
   I’d like to know that your love
   Is a love I can be sure of
   So, tell me now and I won’t ask again
   Will you still love me tomorrow?
   So, tell me now and I won’t ask again
   Will you still love me tomorrow?
   Will you still love me tomorrow?
   Will you still love me tomorrow? 

The real purpose of Christmas seems to have devolved to continuous shopping.  So here’s a little ditty with music by the Beach Boys just for the lady shoppers.

♫ ‘Round, ‘round, shop around, I shop around, yeah
     Shop around, ‘round, ‘round, I shop around
I shop around (shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around)
From town to town (shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around)
I’m a real cool chick (shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around)
I’m in a real hot clique (shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around)
     I’m gettin’ bugged shoppin’ up and down the same old strip
     I’ve gotta find a new mall where the clothes are hip
     My girl friends and me are gettin’ real well known
     Yeah, the merchants all know us and they leave us alone
I shop around (shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around)
From town to town (shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around)
I’m a real cool chick (shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around)
I’m in a real hot clique (shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around)
     I shop around, ‘round, shop around, ‘round, ‘round, ‘round
     Wah-wah-ooo, wah-wah-ooo, wah-wah-ooo
     I always use my card ‘cause it’s really so neat
     And my easy pay terms now are ever a treat
     None of us girls go steady ‘cause it wouldn’t be right
     To leave your guy sitting home almost every night
I shop around (shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around)
From town to town (shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around)
I’m a real cool chick (shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around)
I’m in a real hot clique (shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around)
     ‘Round, ’round, shop around, I shop around
     Yeah, I shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around
     Shop around, ’round, ’round, I shop around ♫

So maybe these will add a little much needed levity to your Holiday Season.

Merry Christmas!  Happy New Year!  Bah, Humbug!!

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Reeves Motal
Reeves Motal
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