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The Little White Lies Middle-Aged Men Tell Themselves

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No one will notice I’m going bald if I wear a baseball cap 24/7….or wrap this long, single strand of hair around the top of my head.

Sure, I can last a few hours without Viagra.

My wife won’t notice that I went to Home Depot for a packet of nails and came home with a pressure cleaner.

I’m only going to watch one game this weekend.

I agree with you that I need to eat healthier and, of course, I prefer the tofu burger over the Porterhouse steak.

Yes, the beer was on sale.

If I lose a few more pounds, I can squeeze back into my Speedo from 1979.

My wife won’t notice if I leave a few dirty dishes in the sink.

A man can never have too many flashlights. Or screwdrivers.

I don’t mind taking all the kids with us on our romantic vacation to the Bahamas.

I never fart in elevators.

No honey, those jeans don’t make your butt look big.

I don’t mind giving up my championship game tickets to stay home and help you put together an Ikea wall unit.

This isn’t fat—it’s muscle.

It wasn’t a mistake….I meant to do that.

Yes, of course, I remembered our anniversary is today.

No one will mind if I burp loudly at the dinner table.

You’ve been moody lately? I never noticed.

It’s perfectly fine to let the snoring, farting dog share the bed with us every night.

Even though I’m in my 50s, I can still keep up with the teenagers and play several rounds of basketball in 90-degree heat.

I’m not overweight—I’m just big-boned.

Size doesn’t matter.

I love having my in-laws over for dinner every weekend.

I didn’t clog the toilet.

It’s good to let the grass get knee-high every now and then. I’ll mow it next week.

I know where I’m going and I don’t need to ask anyone for directions.

I don’t mind that you’re feeling too tired and grumpy for sex. I can wait.

You still look beautiful to me even with that unidentifiable rash on your face.

I never think that you and your girlfriends talk too much.

My wife thinks my love handles are sexy.

I’m not crying over that Hallmark commercial. I’ve got something in my eye.

I’d be happy to stop by the drugstore on my way home from work to pick up a box of tampons for you.

Just one more beer, and then I’ll stop. I promise……

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About The Author:

Marcia Kester Doyle

Marcia Kester Doyle

Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humor book, Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane, and the voice behind the midlife blog, Menopausal Mother. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Huffington Post, McSweeney's, Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, Woman's Day, Country Living, House Beautiful, Slackjaw, and Hello Giggles, among others. Marcia's website is You can find her on Facebook and on Twitter @MenoMother.

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