There’s a classic old comedy routine, or maybe it was originally an essay, about the word “fuck.” It’s been around as long as we can remember, but no one seems to know who first wrote or performed it. We’ve seen it attributed to George Carlin, Monty Python and the announcer most famous for being “the voice of Disneyland,” Jack Wagner. Yet the origins of this brilliant bit of prose remains one of the great comedic mysteries of our time. Apparently, nobody knows who the fuck wrote it.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with this historic and hilarious piece of literature, and for those of you who haven’t heard it in a long time, here it is in its most comprehensive and expanded form that we could find:
Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word fuck. Out of all of the English words that begin with letter F, fuck is the only word that is referred to as the F-word. It’s the one magical word, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate and love. Fuck, as the most words in the English languages, is derived from German, the word fricken which means to strike. In English fuck fall into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucks Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John, as a noun (Mary is a fine fuck) and as an adverb (Mary is fucking well interested in John).
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucks Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John, as a noun (Mary is a fine fuck) and as an adverb (Mary is fucking well interested in John).
It’s meaning is not always sexual.
It can be an adjective such as “John’s doing all the fucking work.”
As part of an adverb: “Mary talks too fucking much!”
As an adverb, enchancing an adjective: “Mary is fucking beautiful!”
As part of a word: “Abso-fucking-lutely” or “in-fucking-credible.”
And, as almost every word in a sentence: “Fuck the fucking fuckers!”
As you must realize there aren’t too many words with the versatility of fuck. As in these examples describing emotions and situations such as:
Aggression – Fuck you!
Agreement – Fucking-ay right!
Amazement – Fucking shit!
Annoyance – Don’t fuck with me.
Apathy – Who gives a fuck?
Benevolence – Don’t do me any fucking favors.
Command – Go fuck yourself!
Confusion – What the fuck?
Denial – I didn’t fucking do it.
Despair – Fucked again.
Difficulty – I don’t understand the fucking question.
Directions – Fuck off.
Disbelief – Unfuckingbelievable!
Dismay – Oh, fuck it!
Displeasure – What the fuck is going on here?
Encouragement – Keep on fucking.
Enjoyment – This is pretty fucking good!
Etiquette – Pass the fucking salt!
Fraud – I got fucked.
Greetings – How the fuck are you?
Hatred of chemistry – Thermofuckingdynamics.
Hostility – I’m going to bash your fucking face in!
Identification – Who the fuck are you?
Ignorance – How the fuck do I know?
Incompetence – He’s a fuck up.
Insight – You’re out of your fucking mind!
Laziness – He’s a fuck off.
Lost – Where the fuck are we?
Passive – Fuck me!
Perplexity – I don’t fucking know.
Philosophical – Who gives a fuck?
Pleasure – I couldn’t be any fucking happier!
Question – Are you fucking with me?
Rebellion – Fuck the world!
Request – Get the fuck out of here!
Resignation – Oh, fuck it!
Retaliation – Up your fucking ass!
Surprise: Fuck! You scared the shit out of me.
Suspicion – What the fuck are you doing?
Trouble – I’m really fucked now.
Ugliness – You’re a dumb looking fuck.
Wisdom – Fuck that shit!
Wonder – How the fuck did you do that?
It can be used in an anatomical description – He’s a fucking asshole.
It can be used in business – How did I wind up with this fucking job?
It can be maternal – Motherfucker.
It can be political – Fucking politicians.
It has also been used by many notable people
throughout history:
“What the fuck was that?” – Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” – General Custer
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?” – Captain of the Titanic
“That’s not a real fucking gun.” – John Lennon
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?” – Richard Nixon
“Heads are going to fucking roll.” – Anne Boleyn
“Let the fucking woman drive.” – Commander of the Challenger
“What fucking map?” – Mark Thatcher
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” – Albert Einstein
“It does so fucking look like her!” – Picasso
“How the fuck did you work that out?” – Pythagoras
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?” – Michaelangelo
“Fuck a duck.” – Walt Disney
“Why?- Because it’s fucking there!” – Edmund Hilary
“I don’t suppose it’s gonna fucking rain?” – Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.” – Noah
“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” – John F. Kennedy
I’m sure you can think of many more examples. With all of these multipurpose applications how can anyone be offended when you use the word? So, use this unique and flexible word more often in your daily speech. It will identify the quality of your character immediately. Say it loudly and proudly: “FUCK YOU !!!”
While many of us love saying the word, perhaps nobody says it better than Susie Essman on Curb Your Enthusiasm. If you don’t believe us, check out her Greatest Fucking Hits.
