Picture it. You have a lovely evening set up with your significant other. Dinner at your place, you want to show off your culinary skills and your awesome Star Trek collection. The meal has been cooked to perfection; your tunes are on point. First course, crunchy and earthy. Things are looking good. Second course is served, hearty soup. Yum. On to the Main Event, a Southern staple. Delicious. To end the evenings cuisine, you planned on being the dessert. Thing are looking good for you… for now.
Things Are Stirring
Uh oh. there is a rumble. A bead of sweat begins to fall down your brow. Things are moving, and it feels evil. You take a swig of milk straight from the jug, it’s an emergency. Its just gotten worst. You walk outside. Nothing. You excuse yourself to the facilities. Still nothing. Jumping jacks? No, that doesn’t work either. Panic is setting in. You have a ticking time bomb, ready to explode.
A Relationship Icebreaker
All the while, your significant other is feeling the all the same feelings as you. As you begin to feel some relief, an ounce of progress, you are abruptly snapped out of your spiral. A chainsaw cutting through the furniture. A duck playing the trumpet. Barking couch spider. Your partner just let the whole world know what kind of dinner you two just ingested. It was terrible coming out, but oh so good going in. You have made the perfect disaster. All the foods you put into your body tonight have caused a buildup of a lovely methane deep within your bowels. This was the ultimate icebreaker! Exposed for all to smell.
Some folks may not want to ever be caught tooting in front of their lovers, but when the food is soo good, who can really be mad about it. We here at Manopause have some yummy treats that will give you the perfect ammunition for a mad assault of the senses. Prepare your blankets men! It’s time to load up.
The Magical Fruit
So look, there are certainly specific foods that come to mind when we think of flatulence. Most of us know the childhood rhyme, “Beans, beans the musical fruit.”, and carbonated beverages of course make us just a bubbly on the inside as the soda itself. There are so many more on the list that can make it seem as if our body is leaking out the Sulfur Pits of the Outer Worlds. Let’s take a look at a few different foods, and why they give us the toots.
But, It’s Science!
Raffinose is a very complex sugar that is found in a few different foods we consume. This little guy, hidden in foods such as beans (legumes in general), whole grains, and Cruciferae vegetables ( that’s your broccoli, cauliflower, asparagus, cabbage, kales, mustard plants, onions, bok choy, and a few others). Raffinose moves right on through to the small intestine like happy little Oh, Oh, Oh, Green Giants. As soon as it hits the large intestine, raffinose turns into a noxious gas. Raffinose turns into a mixture of hydrogen, carbon dioxide, and methane gas and pushes on through to the exit.
We all should be aware of the dreaded LACTOSE! Although, I am, myself, a avid dairy consumer, and no amount of gas will sway me away… sorry husband. But I’m a fortunate one, my body seems to produce enough lactase to stave away the dreaded cheese and milk toots.
Fiber is another monster we have to consume everyday to maintain a healthy digestive system. Usually best buds, fiber and starch get broken down in the large intestine. This produces the right combination of power puffs. Have no fear!! Rice is the only grain that won’t get ya that extra boost in the caboose.
Soda and other carbonated beverages should be a no-brainer. Anytime a person swallows air while eating (don’t scarf your food down folks!) or consumes an item with any bubbly, you will create air bubbles that will follow the trail inside all the way to the exit sign. Luckily for us, the carbonation itself doesn’t that that extra stank that comes with it. But the sugars that are with it… sorry, the fructose and sorbitol (sugar alcohol) will get ya!
Meat and eggs, while it usually isn’t as productive as the rest have a harder time breaking down in the intestines, and the bacteria within us, going hard at doing its job, creates some more methane. (That is also why we get the meat sweats at the end of a big meal, working hard, raising our core temperature.)
Now, that we have all of the informative stuff out of the way, let me introduce you to the dinner that will have you and your date closer than you could have imagined… maybe a little embarrassed too?But laugh a little, life isn’t so serious, and we all got toot, toot, beep beep every now and again. If you learned nothing, pretty much everything we eat on a daily basis is going to cause a little flatulence.
Your Recipe For Success
2T Coarse ground black pepper
2T Coarse ground fennel
Toast and grind black pepper and fennel coarsely. Season the chop with salt and press into the pepper and fennel mixture on all sides. Pre heat cast iron and add ¼ c oil. Once oil is almost smoking hot gently place the chop into the oil and sear on the first side. Press down on the chop gently to get even browning. flip and repeat, bast with the fat in the cast iron. Cook to desired doneness.
½ lb bacon cubed
1 lb Brussel sprouts
1C stock (whichever you prefer)
1t chili flake
Salt and pepper
In pan, render and cook bacon until browned and crispy. Strain out all cooked bacon and reserve the fat in the pan. Halve or quarter all sprouts. In the same pan with remaining fat, place sprouts cut side down and sear until browned. The darker the better. Work in batches. Once all brussels have all been browned and reserved on the side, add shallots garlic and chili flake. Cook until translucent and fragrant. Return the brussels and add the stock. Cover and reduce the heat to low and cook until stock as reduced au sec. season with vinegar and adjust the salt and pepper. Return the bacon and serve.