They walk among us. Even worse, we let them drive cars and vote and reproduce. No wonder the world is in such miserable shape. I’m of course talking about the terminally clueless morons that seem to more and more permeate our lives. These people are easy to identify. I’m not talking about the ones that are just misinformed, but the ones that turn your mind to warmed over oatmeal with their every utterance.
If you encounter a misinformed person, you stand at least a chance of straightening them out, but not the certifiably clueless. For example, if someone says, “Two plus two equals five,” (assuming they are not a refugee from Orwell’s 1984 or Stalin’s Russia,) you can attempt to politely correct their addition with, “Uh – that’s not exactly correct – two plus two is actually four – not five.” You still may not have any luck, but the chance is at least worth a try.
The truly clueless are the ones that would tell you, “Two plus two is tangerine marmalade, but only on Wednesday’s, except in leap years.” You shake your head as you know there is no possible way of leading this idiot back into the sanity zone and that any attempt will likely prove deleterious to your own fragile sanity.
The following are real situations I found myself in and actual people I encountered that made my head want to explode. But just imagine they happened to you. What would you have done?
You visit one of your notoriously clueless friends on a Sunday afternoon and find him watching a replay on his brand-new-fresh-out-of-the-box DVR of a failed two point conversion attempt over and over again. You ask him if he’s checking for a missed call by the referees. Nope – he figures that one of the times the running back will make it into the end zone. (Just a little unclear on the DVR concept – hint: it’s not a time machine.)
You take your pet to the vet for its annual shots. While there you overhear, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there was nothing we could do. There was just too much damage to your cat from the car impact. Uh – would you like us to take care of his remains?” “Oh, no, I’ll take him home – and put him with the other ones. They’ve still got eight lives left and will be waking up any day now.” (You hope she at least keeps them in the freezer.)
Many, many years ago, long before 911 and current airport security the following was heard somewhere over the Gulf of Mexico on a National Airlines flight from Houston to Miami, “What! I can’t be on the wrong plane. I’ve got to get to Denver for my sister’s wedding. Tell the pilot we’ll have to go back.” (The plane thankfully kept going to Miami for the benefit of the non-clueless passengers.)
A conspiracy wacko tells you that the moon landing was faked by Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Bill Gates, and Walt Disney. The first lunar landing was in 1969. Walt Disney died in 1966. Steven Spielberg was 22 and wouldn’t make his first real movie until Jaws in 1975. George Lucas was 25 and didn’t do Star Wars until 1977. Bill Gates was 13. (I like to think that “anything is possible.” But this is not.)
You overhear in the college registration line, “I don’t know why everyone worries about money. When I run out of checks, the bank just gives me more.” (Bless his pointy little head and his filthy rich clueless parents.)
You shake your head at the following theological discussion. “But if you’re reincarnated as a dog, then you’ll definitely get to Heaven because all dogs go to Heaven. (The Gospel According to Saint Hollywood.)
As the young lady hands a bill to the self serve gas cashier, she says to her friend, “Everyone complains about how expensive gasoline has gotten, but it’s still the same for me. I always put in twenty dollars worth.”
Sometimes, the only thing you can do is shake your head.
All of these incidents happened, (except for the tangerine marmalade.) All of these people are real. All of these people are out there – walking among us – inflicting their clueless insanity upon us. They are real brain eating zombies. Beware!