The Views Of Washington DC
It’s cherry blossom season in Washington DC, and I can personally assure you it’s also a great time to see squirrel balls.
The cherry blossoms only bloom once each year. And if you think you can see squirrel balls just any old time, read on my friend, which you also may want to do if you wish to avoid seeing squirrel balls. Too late for me.
Still With Me?
OK, you’ve read this far, which means you are at least squirrel ball-curious. Here’s my story:
I was in our back yard on Capitol Hill, observing squirrel behavior for a very plausible reason. My son and I are preparing for summer vegetable gardening, which for us is a lot of work but so rewarding and for the squirrels is so rewarding. The food we’re left with is what we can get before the squirrels get there.
This year we are taking control: We plan a covered planter approach, though we will continue to provide unshelled peanuts to our squirrel friends, mainly because we were bored during the early days of the pandemic and built a squirrel feeder out of wood we found in the garage. We love animals.
There I was, standing under a large tree branch, when I heard him. A screeching, cackling call, it didn’t sound like a squirrel, more like the ambulance version of a squirrel.
I saw something when I looked up, and no matter how long I live, I shall never un-see it. A squirrel is not a particularly large animal, so when at least one-third of his little squirrel body appears to be large, swollen testicles hanging down, I was very concerned. I had never seen anything like this before. Was he horribly injured?
This squirrel needs urgent attention, I thought, which turned out to be the correct diagnosis.
I did the only thing any decent person would do and Googled it. If you do you will see there is an article out there entitled, “ Squirrel Mating and You,” a semi-concerning but alluring headline.
Did you know?
- There’s a very good chance you’ve never seen squirrel balls. Squirrel testicles only descend twice a year, during mating season in spring and fall. Nature’s landing gear.
- Female squirrels may only be able to conceive for as little as a few hours during mating season. There’s no time for dinner and a movie. I now think the sound I heard the squirrel making was him telling me to get off his dance floor. He was locked and ready to be unloaded.
- This just adds to the list of why squirrels pummel rats in popularity contests. If the cute, bushy tail vs. the hairless skin whip wasn’t enough, the Retractable Ball Technology seals it. Unsightly testicles pulled into the body, covered by a very attractive fur pouch that blends beautifully with the squirrel coat. Poor rats. No wonder they just drag their balls around everywhere. It’s not like people are going to think less of ‘em.
The Dance Of The Chase
If you wonder what happened next, well, squirrel mating is pretty predictable. The Dance of the Chase unfolds for a while, and the script is written in the stars: He chases her, she runs just fast enough to get caught.
There’s no real relationship. They had a moment. In fact, if she still has time on the breeding clock, she might even go get “caught” by another male squirrel, which won’t matter to the first dude, who is presumably asleep.
But hey, everybody loves a happy ending.