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5 More Rules Of Online Dating: Part 2

Published: October 15, 2021

Here Are 5 Rules Of Online Dating

1. Emphasize How Much You Love Traveling

rules of online dating

Most people hate visiting new and interesting places, staying at luxurious hotels, sleeping in, and eating and drinking all day.

And since ultimately you want to find someone truly special, expressing your love of travel is one of the surest ways to zero in on the small segment of people who aren’t repulsed by the idea of spending a week in Florence.

2. Non-Online Dating is Toxic

In order to get the most out of your online dating experience, avoid meeting people in real life. The fewer people you meet in person, the more motivated you will be to spend hours on dating sites, practicing and perfecting your online dating skills.

When you cross paths with another single person, do not make eye contact, do not act approachable. If a suitor smiles and approaches you, immediately turn around and run away, or grin like a lunatic without saying a word to repel him or her.

In short, do whatever it takes to avoid engaging non-digital social pariahs.

3. If You Detect the Slightest Blemish, Swipe Left

The beauty of online dating is that it is an infinite smorgasbord of prospective life partners, which means you don’t have to settle for anything less than perfect.

If you spot any blemish—no matter how seemingly trivial—move on.

Let’s say you’re a woman who is 5’7″ in heels, which of course means you require a guy who is at least 6’2″. If you see a profile of a guy who seems great across the board, except instead of being 6’2″, he is unemployed and hates showering, DO NOT SETTLE.

4. Always Assume the Worst

Online dating is the ideal venue for drawing assumptions about people based on incomplete information. Instead of following up a vague or confusing profile with a logical question, save time by assuming the worst.

If someone says they’re self-employed, assume they’re an impoverished vagrant.

If they misspell a single word, assume they’re an illiterate cretin.

If they like Quentin Tarantino movies, assume they’re a serial killer.

5. Promote Your Instagram Page

Online dating is your path to Instagram stardom. More specifically, it’s your path to becoming an Instagram influencer. If you don’t know what an Instagram influencer is, consider committing Seppuku, because an Instagram influencer is the embodiment of hell on earth.

Some of the most intriguing Bumble profiles only feature the user’s Instagram link—an excellent way to streamline despair.

Having mastered these 5 additional rules of online dating, you should feel confident that the next time you open your favorite dating app, your unrealistic expectations will be validated by yoga poses, microbreweries, and a shared love of traveling.

You can find the first 5 rules of online dating here, in part 1.

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About The Author
Eugene Slaven
Eugene Slaven
This article was originally published on, a relentlessly original humor site founded by Eugene Slaven, author of the comic novel A Life of Misery and Triumph and the political thriller The Sorghum Saga. For freelance writing inquiries, please email [email protected]. Social: LinkedIn; Twitter; Facebook.
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