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My (Failed) Campaign To Make America Eat Healthy

The Controlled Substance Act (CSA) 21 U.S.C. ch. 13 §801 et seq., was passed by the 91st United States Congress and became effective on May 1, 1971.  It created five schedules of restricted and prohibited substances.

OK, that was a good start. But like everything else coming out of Washington, they missed the “Big Picture.”  There are a lot more things that are highly addictive that need to be banned immediately!

THIS IS A CALL TO ARMS! Write your congressmen (congresswomen) and senators today and express the need for more comprehensive control of highly addictive substances deleterious to our health.  You are encouraged to add further items requiring banning for public well-being to my list below.  All of these treacherous substances are marketed without a single Surgeon General’s warning label.  It’s obviously a criminal conspiracy concocted by the special interest groups.

1. Blue Bell’s Cookies and Cream Ice Cream.  What kind of sadistic fiend came up with this?  These “people” obviously have no mercy for our health, sanity, or waistlines. When you wake up at 3 in the morning and are compelled to drive to the all night Wal-Mart for a half gallon it’s obvious that this is one of the most highly addictive substances on Earth.

2. Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.  Sure, the label says, “Do not eat raw dough.”  Who the hell do they think they are kidding?  I guess the lawyers required the warning.  In college, my roommate and I would each buy a package, peel them open like bananas, and eat the whole damn thing walking home. There’s not even an age restriction on the vile stuff.  It’s being freely sold to kids!  A clear case of egregious child abuse!

3. New York Style Cheesecake.  Forget the wimpy, fluffy, disgusting foo-foo French lighter-than-whipped-tofu stuff. No one is going to become addicted to that.  The “real thing” is the one causing addiction problems.  It’s the New York cheesecakes that have the specific gravity of Portland cement that create all the shaking, eye blurring, brain debilitating effects if you attempt withdrawal.

4. Snickers.  Do I need to say anything else?  You KNOW the effect they have on the human metabolism.

5. Bacon Cheeseburgers. Let’s just face it: if it includes bacon, it’s gonna be addictive as hell.  Wrap anything (broiled scallops, broiled shrimp, dog biscuits, a deck of used playing cards, etc.) with bacon and you’ve instantly created an insanely addictive culinary masterpiece.  One of my favorite haunts even has the audacity to serve chicken fried batter dipped bacon!!  Get bacon banned now!

6. Sweetened Condensed Milk. I’m talking about Eagle Brand from Borden and the other purveyors of this insidious liquid waistline exploder. Dip ANYTHING (and I do mean anything) in Eagle Brand and it instantaneously becomes so addictive that not only can you not stop, you end up licking the inside of the can.  Forget the “milk and cookies” stuff! Dip Oreos (another additive substance that needs banning) in Eagle Brand and you can’t stop until you run out of both.  Get this off the market NOW!

7. Margaritas.  Forget what you’ve heard about Montezuma’s Revenge. The REAL revenge was the introduction of this noxious tequila concoction to us helpless, innocent, gullible Norteamericanos.  Even worse, my favorite watering hole only serves them in deep freezer frosted “grande” sized glasses.  God help us!

8. BBQ Pork ribs. Forget the beef nonsense – pork is the ONLY one that will stir up all your addiction genes.  You don’t even have to go to Beale Street in Memphis because there is likely a sadistic pusher in your own neighborhood.  Where the dickens is the DEA when we need them most?

9. Pepperoni Pizza. (Double, triple, or even more pepperoni – and with the stuffed crusts.)  This is one we’ve done to ourselves.  Go to Italy and ask for pepperoni pizza and they’ll look at you like you’re a Martian asking for “gqbzrxj.”  Nope, we can’t blame the Italians.  I don’t know who created “our” pepperoni pizza, but I suspect they were members of some insidious pizza pusher cartel!

10. Chicken Fried Steak. One of the “do-gooders” I was enamored with back in college always insisted on administering the Last Rites for my arteries every time I ordered it.  However, when I was with her, I always had to order the jumbo, king size, Texas-ized version because before it was over and done, she’d snitch half of my order.  As the old saying goes, “You can take the girl out of Texas, but good luck trying to pry Texas out of the girl.”

Write, call, email, text, telegraph, or send carrier pigeons to Washington and get Congress off its butt and on the stick and let’s get this stuff banned.  

Please feel free to add any other deadly addictive substances you’ve discovered to the list. Be sure and alert me to your discoveries so I can properly – uh – assess their additive properties and – uh – coordinate our banning activities.

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Reeves Motal
Reeves Motal
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