Sex Is Subjective
The late Paul Lynde was asked on Hollywood Squares, “One should never have sex immediately following what?”
His answer: “Major surgery”
He was right, of course, but the answers they were looking for was, “a big meal.”
The reason it is impossible for anyone to give a definitive answer to any question about sex is that, with the possible exception of the best barbecue joint or the proper way to grill a steak, sex is the most subjective subject in the world.
For instance: if you ask one man what the proper size for a penis should be, he will say, “8-12 inches like mine.” (Hint, never play golf with this guy for money. His definition of a gimme is probably a little generous too.) Another, more honest sort will say, “I’m happy as long as it can be found in the dark.” Of course, that’s the answer you deserve for asking such an impertinent question of a priest.
Sex Makes You Sweat, Even When You’re Not Having It
It all goes back to the days of yore, when we were young and sex was brand new… at least to us. For a long time it was covered by the infamous “talk.” Mother’s had the talk with their daughters and fathers taught their sons. In the end what kids learned was that sex is something that makes you sweat. Not when you do it but when you talk about it to your kids.
Then, it was decided that sex should be taught in the schools. Remember, these were the people that taught algebra and Beowulf, thus creating a generation of folks who hated math and literature.
They put the girls in one classroom and the boys in another and proceeded to make sex sound as boring as watching your parents do the twist. The teacher, assuming he or she had any experience at all would create a mental image of you and your partner changing a tire on a tractor, but with the added threat of possible resulting consequences.
These included syphilis, gonorrhea, and children. It has been long suspected by the boys in their class that the girls in theirs were being taught that sex make you gain weight. This is sometimes true but usually goes away after about nine months.
Of course the boys were told not to have sex but to always use a condom. Certain information was not shared, such as the fact that you had to go to the pharmacy and ask, out loud for condoms, thus land you as the star subject of a prayer group. Another choice was those incredibly loud gas station machines. The only thing noisier that one of those is the potato chip bag. (Man, have priorities changed or what?)
From the secrecy and misinformation of the fifties and sixties to the present day, when you can’t even watch NCIS or Blue Bloods without being reminded that erectile dysfunction is overtaking the world and that it you don’t have to be a victim. Just for fun, record one of those commercials and play back the disclaimer at a slower speed. You will find that the guy in the lab coat telling you to treat this disease is an expert at laying pipe only because he is a plumber between acting gigs.
Also, it says do not consume alcohol with this product. Well, that definitely gives an unfair advantage to the target of your attentions. It’s hard to score when you’re nervously blabbing about your grandchildren at the bar… especially when pictures get involved.
Before you vote come to “thegrandpaclub.com” and take the Blithering Idiot test. It could save the world.