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The Great Waistline War On Calories

A War On Calories & An Expanding Waistline

It’s a sad thing, but most of us as we get older are fighting an expanding waistline. We’re not as active, not as athletic, and not as young as we once were. So, what can we do about it?

Well, we could sign up for boot camp; not some frou-frou civilized trendy corporate boot camp, but the “real thing.” The downside is that it wasn’t a hell of a lot of fun back when I did it as a kid and I’m not too sure I’d survive it a second time.

Expensive Flavors Of The Week

OK, what about diets? We could try one of the fashionable flavor of the week varieties. I think the current darling is something called Pandora’s Pomeranian Purple Paleo Pomegranate Pit Poultice diet? Or Keto something. You know what I’m talking about.  The problem with all those is that most are “magic” rather than science and that all you lose is money.

The truth is that to lose weight you’ve got to get rid of the calories. That’s not me saying it, it’s the Second Law of Thermodynamics. Our only hope for the return of our svelte waistlines is to declare total and unconditional war against calories.  If you’re going to war, the first requirement is to know and understand your enemy.

Calorie Joe

war on calories

So drag out your ultra hyper Zinge-Zeisttm neutrino microscope and let’s take a look at our enemy.

Joe is a typical Calorie. He’s pretty ugly, huh? He and his ilk lurk around in the shadows and as soon as they see food heading your way, they swarm in like Attila the Hun’s marauding hordes to ride your dinner right down to your belly button region. To win the waistline war, we’ve got to defeat Joe and his comrades, and to do that, we need to know his vulnerabilities.

Joe’s Vulnerabilities In The War On Calories

First off, all Calories are dues paying members of the International Brotherhood Federation of Caloric Brethren (IBFCB).  The IBFCB is not an organization to be trifled with as they are tough negotiators. In particular, they’ve fought for and won a 40-hour week and they don’t do weekends or holidays. Also, Joe is really cheap and never goes to anything where he’d have to bring a gift or a covered dish, which expands list of holidays he doesn’t attend. This is to our advantage as with proper scheduling we can avoid a lot of Caloric attacks. Another advantage we’ve got is that Joe isn’t all that bright and can be fooled. He’s filled with obnoxiousness which doesn’t leave much room for brains.

Putting that all together gives us our first line of attack. Put up the all purpose perpetual calendar below in places where Joe and his buddies can’t avoid seeing it. One look at the calendar and they’ll know they’ve got the day off, which means everything you eat is calorie free.

Working On Their Days Off

OK, but what do we do if some of the Caloric horde misses the calendar and shows up for work? We need an in-depth defense in this war on calories. That starts at the market. At the checkout, make sure everything is hidden in bags. You might bring some tape to seal them up. When you get home, open one bag at a time and quickly stash it in the fridge before any Calories can sniff it out. To keep them from sneaking into the refrigerator, post the following sign on the door to fake them out: “Nothing but super healthy foods to be found inside!”

Even with our best preparations, there are some things that are so attractive to Calories, (like Blue Bell’s Cookies and Cream ice cream,) that you’ve got to take additional measures. Print out a supply of the following labels and slap them over the offending Nutrition Facts which are like a billboard advertisement for Calories. What they can’t see won’t hurt you.

To continuing fooling the Calories, here’s a few handy hints to fake them out.

M&M Upside Down Is Weight Watchers! (WW)

Let’s say you’ve got a whole Party size bag of M&M’s that “somehow” didn’t get handed out at Halloween (yeah – right!). If you rip open the bag and snarf them down, the Calories will attack like a school of piranhas. Instead, pour them into a bowl. DO NOT eat the m&m’s which will be infested with Calories. Only eat the Weight Watchers ww’s which have NO Calories. When you run out of ww’s, just shake the bowl and more ww’s will magically appear.

How To Trick A Calorie

Something else to consider in this war on calories is portion control. For example, suppose you are only allowed to eat a single piece of pizza. The obvious solution is to not cut it up! Then you’re only eating a “single piece.”

A single piece of pizza, right?

Something most people don’t know is that Calories suffer from severe nyctophobia. They are terrified of the dark. All is fair in love and the war on calories, so grab a double handful of Snickers, head to the closet and close the door. The Calories will never come in there and you can chow down in the comforting Calorie Free darkness.

Calories also go to bed early. Remember they only work a 40 hour week and have no social life. They turn in when the chickens go to roost. Just save your snacking until after dark when the sleepyhead Calories are tucked safely away in bed.

Calories HATE most sports. The only thing you’ll ever see them watching is sumo wrestling. This means that food at the ballpark is automatically not contaminated with Calories. Similarly, when you and the boys get together for the big game, your beer and nachos will be completely Calorie free.

In this war on calories, you can also take advantage of the Color Complementary Concept.  For example, broccoli, (God save me!) and mint chocolate chip ice cream are the same color. Just refer to the ice cream as “broccoli” and you can pig out without a Calorie in sight. This also work for things like mashed potatoes. Add a little green food coloring and the Calories will avoid it like the plague. (Best to alert your guests of the subterfuge before you bring out the vivid green potatoes.)

A Final Few Tips

A few basic concepts:  Free food has no Calories, so make multiple trips to the sample counter in the grocery store. Mistake food also has no Calories. If you order a salad and they bring you out a filet mignon by mistake, you’re good to go. Calories fear exercise. Keep a copy of Runner’s World next to your plate. Raw foods are always healthy, so go for the chocolate chip cookie dough!

There is one potential serious trap you want to avoid! Whoever orders something is the one stuck with all the Calories. Suppose you and the Darling go out to dinner. You order the Texasized Double Chicken Fried Steak with a gallon of cream gravy and a mountain of French fries. She orders a salad without dressing that a starving rabbit wouldn’t eat and adds a side order of rice cakes (organic Styrofoam). Your orders come out and what happens? She eats at least half of your Chicken Fried Steak while leaving all the Calories on YOUR plate. Women and Calories are both threats to us guys’ waistlines.

When dining out and you get to the dessert course, you can work this little Calorie confounding switcheroo. The server might look at you funny, but tell him or her to leave off the cherry on the top and replace it with a crouton. The Calories will be confused and think you’re some weirdo eating a salad for dessert.  No one is comfortable around crazy people, so the Calories will bail out for greener pastures.

Hopefully all of these little helpful hints will help you avoid Calories and return your waistline to its twenty something dimensions and win this war on calories!

And if worse comes to worse, just remember: the more you weigh, the harder it is to be kidnapped.

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Reeves Motal
Reeves Motal
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