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Consumer Beware: Chemicals Are In Everything!

I overheard a lady in Wal-Mart bemoaning to her friend about all the “chemicals in everything.” Let’s see how “chemical adverse” you are and how you’d react to the following situation.

1.         You look at the label of your favorite beverage and find it contains: methyl carbinol, and n-tuplehydroxylic acid oxidane.

2.         You hastily try a different beverage and find it contains (2R,3S,4R,5R)-2,3,4,5,6-pentahydroxyhexanal, 1,3,7-trimethyl-1H-purine-2,6(3H,7H)-dione, and (R)-3,4-dihydroxy-5-((S)- 1,2-dihydroxyethyl) furan-2(5H)-one.

3.         You decide you are no longer thirsty and reach for a snack only to find it contains: 3,7-Dimethyl-2,3,6,7-tetrahydro-1H-purine-2,6-dione, and 4-Hydroxy-3-methoxybenzaldehyde.

4.         Fully assured that you are being poisoned, you rush to your doctor who injects you with: α-(5,6-Dimethylbenzimidazolyl) cobamidcyanide.

5.         Your doctor sends you to your pharmacist who hands you a bottle of pills containing: (2E,4E,6E,8E)-3,7-Dimethyl-9-(2,6,6-trimethyl-1-cyclohexen-1-yl)-2,4,6,8-nonatetraen-1-ol, 2-[3-[(4-Amino-2-methyl-pyrimidin-5-yl)methyl]-4-methyl-thiazol-5-yl]ethanol, 7,8-Dimethyl-10-[(2S,3S,4R)-2,3,4,5-tetrahydroxypentyl]benzo[g]pteridine-2,4-dione, Pyridine-3-carboxylic acid, 3-[(2,4-Dihydroxy-3,3-dimethylbutanoyl)amino]propanoicacid, 4,5-Bis(hydroxymethyl)-2-methylpyridin-3-ol, 5-[(3aS,4S,6aR)-2-Oxohexahydro-1H-thieno[3,4-d]imidazol-4-yl]pentanoicacid, (2S)-2-[(4-{[(2-Amino-4-hydroxypteridin-6-yl)methyl]amino}phenyl)formamido]pentanedioicacid, α-(5,6-Dimethylbenzimidazolyl)cobamidcyanide, (R)-3,4-Dihydroxy-5-((S)- 1,2-dihydroxyethyl)furan-2(5H)-one, Cholecalciferol secosteroid, (2R)-2,5,7,8-Tetramethyl-2-[(4R,8R)-(4,8,12-trimethyltridecyl)]-6-chromanol, 2-Methyl-3-[(2E)-3,7,11,15-tetramethylhexadec-2-en-1-yl]naphthoquinone, and 2-Methyl-3-[(2Z,6E,10E)-3,7,11,15-tetramethylhexadeca-2,6,10,14-tetraen-1-yl]naphthoquinone.

6.         You return home and are told by your Dearest, “There’s nothing wrong with you – you’re just running a little low on: [(2R,3S,4R,5R)-5-(6-Aminopurin-9-yl)-3,4-dihydroxyoxolan-2-yl]methyl-(hydroxyphosphonooxyphosphoryl)hydrogen phosphate.”

You sit sunk in paranoid despair at the thought of everyone on the planet out to poison you until an old bald headed wise guy stops by and explains:

1.         The fearsome chemicals in your beer are actually: alcohol – methylcarbinol, and plain old water– n-tuplehydroxylic acid oxidane.

2.         The Coke you started to drink contains: sugar– (2R,3S,4R,5R)-2,3,4,5,6-pentahydroxyhexanal, caffeine– 1,3,7-trimethyl-1H-purine-2,6(3H,7H)-dione, and Vitamin C– (R)-3,4-dihydroxy-5-((S)- 1,2-dihydroxyethyl) furan-2(5H)-one.

3.         The Snickers bar you passed up as a snack contains: chocolate– 3,7-Dimethyl-2,3,6,7-tetrahydro-1H-purine-2,6-dione, and vanilla – 4-Hydroxy-3-methoxybenzaldehyde

4.         The “cyanide” injection your doctor gave you was:Vitamin B12– α-(5,6-Dimethylbenzimidazolyl) cobamidcyanide

5.         The pharmacist’s pills were multi-vitamins containing:

Vitamin A      (2E,4E,6E,8E)-3,7-Dimethyl-9-(2,6,6-trimethyl-1-cyclohexen-1-yl)-2,4,6,8-nonatetraen-1-ol

Vitamin B1    2-[3-[(4-Amino-2-methyl-pyrimidin-5-yl)methyl]-4-methyl-thiazol-5-yl]ethanol

Vitamin B2    7,8-Dimethyl-10-[(2S,3S,4R)-2,3,4,5-tetrahydroxypentyl]benzo[g]pteridine-2,4-dione

Vitamin B3    Pyridine-3-carboxylic acid

Vitamin B5    3-[(2,4-Dihydroxy-3,3-dimethylbutanoyl)amino]propanoic acid

Vitamin B6    4,5-Bis(hydroxymethyl)-2-methylpyridin-3-ol

Vitamin B7    5-[(3aS,4S,6aR)-2-Oxohexahydro-1H-thieno[3,4-d]imidazol-4-yl]pentanoic acid

Vitamin B9    (2S)-2-[(4-{[(2-Amino-4-hydroxypteridin-6-yl)methyl]amino}phenyl) formamido]pentanedioic acid

Vitamin B12  α-(5,6-Dimethylbenzimidazolyl) cobamidcyanide

Vitamin C      (R)-3,4-Dihydroxy-5-((S)- 1,2-dihydroxyethyl) furan-2(5H)-one

Vitamin D3    Cholecalciferol secosteroid

Vitamin E      (2R)-2,5,7,8-Tetramethyl-2-[(4R,8R)-(4,8,12-trimethyltridecyl)]-6-chromanol

Vitamin K1    2-Methyl-3-[(2E)-3,7,11,15-tetramethylhexadec-2-en-1-yl]naphthoquinone, and

Vitamin K2    2-Methyl-3-[(2Z,6E,10E)-3,7,11,15-tetramethylhexadeca-2,6,10,14-tetraen-1-yl]naphthoquinone

6.         And finally, your Dearest was just telling you that you were tired, that is, low on energy.

Just as your car’s engine runs on gasoline, your body’s cells run on adenosine triphosphate, usually called ATP, or more formally: [(2R,3S,4R,5R)-5-(6-Aminopurin-9-yl)-3,4-dihydroxyoxolan-2-yl]methyl(hydroxyphosphonooxyphosphoryl) hydrogen phosphate. So quit worrying and just keep filling your lungs with 78p,dinitrogen:21p,dioxygen:1p,argon complex – (air.)

All of the chemical names are structural descriptions as specified by IUPAC, the International Union of Pure and AppliedChemistry, the governing body for chemical nomenclature. Because of the complex structure of organic chemicals, most have numerous different names, particularly the more common ones. Even more names are added for convenience by other chemical registration agencies. Shakespeare wrote, “A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet,” so whether you call it:

InChI=1S/C7H8N4O2/c1-10-3-8-5-4(10)6(12)9-7(13)11(5)2/h3H,1-2H3,(H,9,12,13), or just plain old chocolate, it’s still the “food of the gods.”

(Theobromine very appropriately translates as “food of the gods.”)

By the way, a city council in California was saved from the embarrassment of banning dihydrogenmonoxide as a hazardous chemical only at the last second by the revelation from the practical joker who had set them up that dihydrogenmonoxide is yet another name for – water. True story.

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About The Author:

Reeves Motal

Reeves Motal

I’m an old guy well into his second childhood. My background is in electrical engineering, computer science, and business. I’ve worked in a wide variety of industries and have built highways, bridges, casinos, schools, pipelines, churches, software systems, refineries, aircraft, spacecraft, and a lot more. I’m a Navy veteran and have been a corporate pilot, musician, artist, boat captain, diver, climber, and numerous other annoying things guaranteed to bore anyone to tears. My website is: I can be reached by email at: [email protected].
Fresh articles, videos, and hilarious podcasts dedicated to the aging man. Life, sex, health, sports, entertainment and much more. Finally, a place for men like you!

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