When I first met my husband, he was not a beer drinker. In fact, on our first date, he ordered a freakin’ WINE SPRITZER (it was the ’80s, what can I say?). Not surprising that after four kids and 35 years of marriage, my husband finally learned to appreciate beer.
But not just any beer. He likes the good stuff—expensive ones that come from small craft breweries with weird names like “Pink Sloth Alehouse,” or “The Tacky Tongue Brewery.”
I haven’t been a fan of beer since my first college keg party when I spent the majority of my evening puking in a random bathroom at the Sigma Nu house. My husband, on the other hand, has sworn his allegiance to craft beer and is certain that he will die in his favorite recliner—TV remote in one hand, a beer in the other.
That may be true, but by the time he becomes part of the geriatric generation, beer brands will have drastically changed. And hopefully, there will be a market for brews designed especially for old farts like my husband. I already have a few beer brands in mind that just might appeal to him…..
Gassy Lassy Ale: A highly fermented, flatulent-inducing blonde ale with hints of sulfur and last night’s bean burrito, sure to clear out the dining hall at the retirement community. One sip, you’ll rip.
Domestic Dementia Dark: This 11% ALC/VOL dark brew with nutty undertones is enough to make you forget who your president is and propel you back to the good ol’ days when you wore sneakers with actual laces instead of orthopedic shoes with velcro straps.
Incontinent IPA: Also known as the “I-P-A lot beer,” specially handcrafted for seniors who have embraced their incontinence. Best served in a chilled bedpan. *Watch for our latest BOGO sale—Buy one six-pack of Geriatric IPA, get a disposable catheter kit for free!
Loose As A Goose Lager: A lager made with bottom-fermented yeast to tighten your saggy butt and lift your testicles so high you’ll belt out a Mozart aria with ease. Drink more than three, and you’ll think you’ve bathed in the Fountain Of Youth (even if your face is still as wrinkly as an elephant’s backside).
Poopin’ Porter: A dark, thick, odiferous brew developed in London with well-hopped beers made from brown malt. Detectable notes of roasted coffee beans immersed in stewed prune juice. *Not recommended for use during intimate encounters with people you’ve met on Seniors Only/Match.com/
Sleepy Stout: A sweet, full-bodied, slightly roasted ale from England that is rich in calming lavender and tryptophan. Drink this beer while listening to Zamfir, and the dense brew will have you yearning for a hooded Snuggie and a memory foam pillow.
Brittle Bones Bock: A German beer created during the Late Middle Ages when people were dying from the Black Plague. A healthy dose of calcium, magnesium, and Vitamin D has been added to combat osteoporosis, swelling, and decreased range of motion. Bold hints of mothball accompanied by a morphine aftertaste.
Peter Pilsner: An arousing brew enhanced with Cialis to ensure a lasting and satisfying outcome. Guaranteed to give you the confidence you need to flirt with the thirty-something Activities Director while she’s instructing you on the art of playing Bocce.
Get Off My Lawn Lite Beer: Less calories, less taste, and even less friends after you’ve had a few. Great to leisurely sip on the front porch while compiling a list of complaints on your phone’s Next Door Neighbor App.
Mysterious Aches And Pains Malt: A predominately pale ale infused with CBD oil to alleviate sore muscles and arthritic pain. Your achiness will quickly disappear along with your dentures and your memory. *Disclaimer: This beer has 65.7% alcohol content and is not recommended for use during geriatric beer pong at the American Legion Post….unless you’re planning an extended stay in your recliner. *